


when fall came

by infrequency



Series: when autumn comes [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Casual drinking, Fake/Pretend Relationship, In more ways than one, M/M, Minor Jeon Wonwoo/Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi, Minor Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Minatozaki Sana, Minor Kim Mingyu/Yoon Jeonghan, Mutual Pining, choi seungcheol: boyfriend for hire, lee seokmin: romcom protag, other idol cameos, yoon jeonghan: catalyst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:15:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28775952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infrequency/pseuds/infrequency
Summary: Choi Seungcheol, boyfriend for hire. Available for services such as getting your jet setting nosy roommate off your back and taking you on picture-perfect dates.As Lee Seokmin learns, falling in love costs extra.
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Lee Seokmin | DK
Series: when autumn comes [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2179389
Comments: 86
Kudos: 178





	1. outside the lines

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ghostscissoring (scissorghost)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scissorghost/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fic title is from "Ok, I’m Finally Ready to Say I’m Sorry for that One Summer" by hanif abdurraqib; chapter title is from "daydreaming" by paramore. 
> 
> * * *

_... & when fall came, _   
_boys sat up in their beds alone & gasping while their hearts rattled out the ghosts of every unspoken love that dragged them there..._   


* * *

The music at the dessert cafe in Seodaemun sucks. More than usual.

Luckily, the tunes rank low on the reasons Seokmin and Soonyoung agreed to meet Sana here, but it seems the teenagers behind the counter seem to have it out for Soonyoung in particular. Seokmin is just, as always, along for the ride.

Sana is lucky she’s late.

“I think,” Soonyoung starts off in a stage whisper, ducking behind Seokmin when the kids look his way again. Seokmin rolls his eyes and side steps. Soonyoung follows close behind, staring at them suspiciously.

“I think they were at my class at the zoo last week,” Soonyoung continues, peeking out.

Soonyoung is a zoo educator who also teaches a bi-weekly fitness class after hours. He claims it’s his favorite way to combine his two passions: tigers and dance.

The puzzle pieces snap together in Seokmin’s mind, already understanding the problem. Soonyoung’s other favorite thing is being a nuisance. A lovable one, but a nuisance, nonetheless. Wherever he goes, chaos follows.

“How many times in a row did you play that one song? That pansori dance song you found on YouTube?” Seokmin asks, suspicious. He’s been on the receiving end of “Tiger is Coming” one too many times himself. It’s a vibe, but not enough of a vibe to enjoy it ten times in a row. While stuck in traffic.

Soonyoung refuses to look Seokmin directly in the eye, suddenly taking great interest in something happening on his Discord app. It’s answer enough.

The teens behind the counter wave in Soonyoung's direction with innocent smiles as they approach.

“Hi, Hoshi-ssaem!”

Seokmin shoots him an icy glare. Soonyoung cringes. “If they spit in our food, _Hoshi-ssaem_ , your ass is grass.”

“Well,” Soonyoung laughs, shrinking back apologetically. “Sana texted that she just left class, so she'll be a while.”

He pushes his credit card into Seokmin’s hand. “Patbingsu with extra red bean? I’ll grab a table.” He scurries off, then, choosing a corner table in view of the front door.

Seokmin greets the teens with a bright smile.

The teenagers are kind to Seokmin, at least, but throw little curious glances over at Soonyoung, who slumps further down at the table.

“We don’t hate him! We think Hoshi-ssaem is funny,” the boy – Dongpyo, his name tag says helpfully – explains while ringing him out.

“We just also like to antagonize him a little.” The girl – Alexa – next to him adds in agreement, sliding over a tray.

He can't say he blames them.

Seokmin’s kind conversation seems to placate them enough that by the time his order is ready, the music has changed to inoffensive pop. He’s lucky he’s stopped keeping score.

Seokmin has been friends with Soonyoung since university, and Soonyoung’s unique ability to both enchant and enrage people with his quirks never ceases to amaze.

The first time he met Soonyoung, he had found Sana trying to coax him down from a table at a bar off-campus. Apparently, he had decided, apropos of nothing, to do his best Kibum “Born to Shine” impersonation while stupidly intoxicated.

“I’m just a big personality, I can’t help it!”

Sana had given him a sobering look, reaching over to drag him off the table by his ankle. “Okay, big personality, next time? You cover your own drink tab. It’s not fair that we have to babysit oppa and make sure he doesn’t kiss every person in sight.”

It’s been about five years since that day, but not much has changed since then.

Tuesdays at a dessert cafe are a long-honored tradition. The locations have changed over the years, but sometimes it’s the only reason Seokmin gets out of bed, besides the crushing fear of being a failure as an adult. The gossip changes, but the rituals remain the same.

“I think we have to tell Sana you cursed this one, hyung,” Seokmin says, setting the tray down in front of Soonyoung. He scoffs, reaching over to grab a spoon.

“I didn’t curse it. I just made things a little difficult for the moment. I’ll make it up to them next class.”

Soonyoung glances over his shoulder to look back at the workers, who are now paying them no mind. The music has fully transitioned to some lo-fi alternative R&B now.

Seokmin deep sighs, taking a big bite that he instantly regrets. “Soonyoung. Hyung. Whatever you’re planning, I already know you can’t do that.”

Soonyoung holds his gaze into middle space but looks thoroughly unconvinced. “So says you.”

Sana shows up about 5 minutes later. Her wind-chapped cheeks are the same shade of pink as her jacket, and her scarf covers up most of her face. It's a little chilly for this time of year, early August, and Sana gets the worst of it while walking to and from her classes. Seokmin doesn't miss that part of school at all.

“Thanks for waiting!” She bows a little in apology, and Soonyoung waves her off as she plops down in the booth next to them.

“We’ve only just settled in,” he says, handing her a spoon. She takes it with a gentle nod, unwrapping the scarf from around her neck.

The overhead light catches off something on her left hand, shiny enough that the sparkle makes Seokmin's eyes widen. “Sana.”

She stares at him with an empty expression until he points to her hand, which makes her double-take.

Sana looks down at her hand and back up at Seokmin. Something like embarrassment colors her still-flushed face a deep shade of red, and she covers her left hand with her right.

“Damn,” she pouts. “I wanted to say it before you saw it.”

“Are you kidding?” Seokmin exclaims, reaching over to grab for her hand.

The ring is small but sits prettily on her left ring finger. She holds it out on the table and squeals. “That’s what I wanted to talk about today!”

Seokmin has known both Sana and Jaehyun since high school, but for whatever reason, their paths never crossed until Jeonghan’s going away party. Sana’s friend Chris had accidentally spilled a beer all over her, and Jaehyun had helpfully stepped in and given her the shirt off his back, literally.

And that was it.

The two of them had moved in together after just a few weeks of dating. Everyone still remarks that they’ve moved so quickly, but Sana and Jaehyun work better than any couple Seokmin has ever seen – and he briefly lived with Vernon and Seungkwan. How Sana can stand to live with someone with an irregular schedule like Jaehyun, he doesn’t understand. But she always lights up the room when she talks about her boyfriend, now fiancé, which in turn, always makes Soonyoung gag.

“When are we going to celebrate?” Seokmin asks, already thinking ahead. Their favorite dinner spot isn't hard to get into, but it's less central to their locations now that they've spread out from living on-campus to different neighborhoods. Soonyoung shoots him a look, but it's less about that and more about Jaehyun.

Luckily, Sana gives Soonyoung an out.

"We're going to Japan to visit my parents before Chuseok, so we actually won't even be at Jeonghan's party.” She frowns. "I'll leave a gift for him with you, though, Seokmin.”

Seokmin’s smile falters just a little at the mention of Jeonghan. Soonyoung drapes an arm over her, and Sana puts her head on his shoulder. “When is Jeonghan coming back anyway?” she asks, and Seokmin groans.

Yoon Jeonghan, the absolute bane of his existence, soulmate, and best friend, had called him literally 18 hours prior to announce his homecoming, and that he would be placing Seokmin in charge of the homecoming festivities.

“He’ll be home after Chuseok,” Seokmin says, reading back his text message from Jeonghan. “He’s aiming for early October. I won’t be making reservations for any plans until he books his flight.”

Jeonghan, as much as Seokmin loves him, is a scatterbrained enigma of a person. He quit his job right after the holidays to go traverse through the US, and somehow, managed to land a better job than his last and a boyfriend, all before even setting foot back in the country. He knows that it’s the power of networking, having a good head on his shoulders, and also luck, which Jeonghan seems to have a lot of. It doesn’t hurt that he’s ridiculously resourceful.

“It’s just that,” Seokmin starts, spoon in hand. Soonyoung makes a whining sound that Seokmin waves off, gesturing to the extra red bean on the side. “He’s moving in with his boyfriend when he comes back from the States.”

Seokmin doesn’t dislike Mingyu so much as he finds him annoying. “He’ll still help with rent, but he wants me to consider subleasing.” He stabs at the injeolmi, frowning at the noise the spoon makes when it clacks against the bowl.

“Remember Kim Mingyu, from the Christmas party?”

Mingyu was a painfully charismatic, handsome, and overly helpful guest in the Lee-Yoon apartment, who arrived early to help cook, brought not one, not two, but six bottles of wine (a disaster for one Kwon Soonyoung), and even managed to hold his own in a duet with Seungkwan.

He was also Seokmin’s recurring lab partner in his media clinics until Mingyu dropped out mid-semester to become a model. Not that Mingyu was any help in the news writing classes to begin with, then, but he has to applaud anyone who can keep up with Jeonghan. Not many people can say they can keep up with him.

“Mingyu was kinda cool, though,” Sana says, helpfully. To be fair, Mingyu does fit seamlessly into their friend group. It’s not easy to keep up with a group of people who have all known each other for years, but Mingyu takes it in stride. He even invites Seokmin out to things, sometimes, and sometimes, Seokmin even goes. Voluntarily.

Seokmin slumps back in the booth, glaring at the dusting of soybean powder on the table.

“I think Mingyu's fine,” he concedes, clenching and unclenching his jaw. “It’s just that Jeonghan wants me to bring a date to his homecoming dinner, or he’ll, and I quote ‘ _cry really hard, Seokminie, do hyung a favor and go find someone._ ’”

Seokmin doesn’t date.

Okay, it's not that he doesn't date, it's just that he doesn't want to.

He's young! And career-focused! And recently started taking singing lessons again, and may be able to afford acting classes, too, if Seokmin gets that raise he thinks he's up for. He has _years_ ahead of him to find a love like Jaehyun and Sana’s, or something just as weird and loving as Soonyoung and Wonwoo.

Sana gives him a sympathetic look, reaching over to pat his hand. It’s not condescending coming from her, but it’s not doing anything to soothe him either. He lays his head on the table and groans.

“Everyone _we_ know is in a relationship,” Seokmin complains. Patbingsu typically cures all ailments, even dating woes, but it’s not doing anything tonight but giving him cold teeth. “What if I just don’t show up?”

Soonyoung takes a large chunk of just ice from the top. “Who do you usually take?”

Seokmin lifts his head and stares, and Sana laughs for a minute. Seokmin closes his eyes.

“It used to be Jaehyun,” Sana answers for him.

Realization sets over Soonyoung finally. “Oh. Big yikes.”

“So you see my problem.”

They finish the patbingsu in moderate silence until Soonyoung makes a loud squawking sound of realization, startling Seokmin back into an upright position.

“Oh, Seokmin, there's a guy!” he exclaims, scrolling through something furiously on his phone. “In Wonwoo’s Discord. He does the whole plus-one for money thing.”

“Of course you would know a guy that does that,” Seokmin mumbles. Soonyoung ignores him.

Sana nods, not looking up from her own phone. “Ah, Nayeon unnie does that sometimes.”

“Does Momo know?” Soonyoung asks around a mouthful of ice.

“Yeah," Sana snorts. "That’s actually how they met.”

Soonyoung pauses and looks up at Sana. “That’s actually really cute.”

He slides his phone across the table to Seokmin. Seokmin picks it up and stares at the screen. The face on the screen is mostly obscured by a mask, but he has kind eyes, mostly covered by a curtain of dark hair. Then he swipes left and gets an eyeful of a flexed arm.

“Ugh, hyung, is he one of Wonwoo’s gym rat buddies?”

Soonyoung reaches over to grab the phone back. “Seungcheol hyung is actually really nice. I think you’d get along with him.”

Seokmin grimaces, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’m not so desperate for a date that I’d wanna pay someone, though.”

“Well," Sana says, cautiously. He hates when she does this, but she’s always been the voice of reason, even when he doesn’t want to hear it. "What other option do you have?”

He’s contemplative for a moment, staring at the melted puddles of ice on the table. He flicks a stray chunk onto the floor. “I think I should tell Jeonghan hyung that I’ve broken my leg or something.”

“C’mon,” Soonyoung whines, his shiny face going all pouty. “Just meet up with him, Seokminie. He's real and definitely not a serial killer.” 

His lower lip pokes so far out that he looks fucking ridiculous. Face scrunched, somehow sweaty. Classic Soonyoung.

Seokmin looks down at his phone to check the time. “Don’t you have class in a bit?”

“You know he’s not gonna go until you say yes,” Sana remarks in a singsong voice, flicking a stray red bean onto the ground.

Seokmin stares at him, then at Sana before sagging back into the seat. “Okay. Fine.”

Soonyoung smiles so wide that his shiny face goes round, cheeks catching the overhead lighting.

“Okay, good. Because I already gave him your Kakao ID.”

Seokmin tries to kick him under the table but misses. Soonyoung slides out of the booth with a smug expression on his face and stretches.

“You’re welcome!” he exclaims around a yawn, before blowing them a kiss.

“Hyung, I hate you!”

Soonyoung ignores him altogether, calling after the teens behind the counter.

“See you at class tonight, brats!”

“Bye, Hoshi-ssaem!”

☀︎

Seungcheol is easy to get along with. He's quick-witted and funny over text, which makes Seokmin excited to meet him in person.

There’s a coffee roastery and cafe just around the corner from Seokmin’s office in Gangnam, and that’s where he agrees to meet Seungcheol the following Monday. He manages to leave his office early, with no take-home projects. A rarity that feels like a good omen until the first date jitters start to set in.

He doesn’t know why he’s nervous. It’s not even a real date. Seungcheol sent an ETA of maybe 5 minutes, and they’re just going over basics as they get to know each other.

Still, the butterflies in his stomach won't settle. Seokmin settles for an herbal tea, just to have something in his hands. He takes the steaming cup from the barista and settles into a table next to the door.

“Seokmin-ssi?"

He looks up and thinks, maybe, he was right to be nervous.

The first thing he notices about Seungcheol is that he looks good in red. None of the images he sent of his whole face did him justice; he’s startlingly handsome, and his eyes are somehow kinder and warmer than the setting sun beating down on him. 

Seungcheol is shorter than Seokmin, but definitely bulkier. He’s just very nice to look at.

Maybe he won’t kill Soonyoung for this one.

"Do you mind if I sit?" Seungcheol steps into the cafe, closer to the table. Seokmin gestures to the open seat across from him.

Seungcheol takes it, dropping into the chair with his legs spread. His backpack settles in his lap, arms wrapped around it. Even under layers of fabric, his biceps are very visible.

Seokmin is staring, and Seungcheol seems to know he's staring because he clears his throat, and Seokmin balks.

"Soonyoung said you need someone to be a plus-one at a friend's party?" When phrased that way, it feels silly, but Seokmin nods.

“My roommate. He's moving home and gave me this spiel about how me being single makes him sad." The explanation makes Seungcheol laugh until he sees how serious Seokmin is.

“Oh. That's interesting,” he frowns. Seokmin sighs. His relationship with Jeonghan is unique, one that can only be understood through experiencing them together firsthand. He's never had someone who just understood him on every level until they met on Seokmin's first day of university. The necklace that sits against his skin under his shirt is proof enough.

Rather than trying to explain, Seokmin just smiles, “We're close." He leans back in his chair, staring up at the hanging bulbs from the ceiling.

Seungcheol seems to sense there's more to the story, but lets it slide with a simple, "I see."

“My usual go-to date just got engaged and will be out of the country with his fiancee,” Seokmin drops his gaze back down to Seungcheol, who’s watching him in silence.

“Do I seem desperate enough for you?” Seokmin jokes, eyes crinkling.

Seungcheol plays along, putting on a show with his hand curled around his chin to stroke at an imaginary beard. “I think you’ll do.”

He unzips his backpack, pulling out a notebook and pen, where he starts to write down a list of questions that he then rips out and hands to Seokmin. “If you lose these, I’ll send them to you on KaTalk also. But first,” Seungcheol leans over the table, getting close.

“I need to let you know. This is not a sex thing.”

Seokmin swallows, hard. He nods and smiles tightly, and that doesn’t seem to be enough for Seungcheol. “I don't sleep with my clients – that's you – and I don't budge on that."

Seokmin chokes on a sip of his drink, waving Seungcheol off when he reaches over to pat him on the back. 

“Oh, I’m not–I’m. I don’t really–“ he splutters, not knowing how to continue. “Heard,” is what he settles on lamely before Seungcheol continues.

For whatever reason, he wasn’t expecting to meet with someone so business-minded, but based on how he lays it out, Seungcheol seems to do this a lot. Or at least be hyper-aware of what people think of him and the services he offers.

"Second, payment is needed up-front. I hate being that way, but broke student, you know? But we can hold off on that until I send you over details and we work out a contract of the parameters of the relationship."

"Okay."

Seungcheol leans back in his chair, nodding. “And that's it, really."

"That's it?"

He pushes his beanie off to reveal a shock of curly jet black hair, sticking up in every direction. His hand rakes through it, ruffling it before tugging it back on. “Yeah, did you think this was gonna be like some sort of drama, where I list out my ten-step rules and the last one is don't fall in love with me?" Seungcheol winks. Seokmin's stomach swoops.

“How did you end up doing this?” Seokmin asks. The question makes the apples of Seungcheol’s cheeks turn rosy, but he leans forward like he's telling Seokmin some big secret.

“I like doing things for people,” Seungcheol shrugs like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “I got out of a really messy relationship where I was the person at fault, so I wanted to work on myself without really using someone for that.”

Seokmin knows people who do this kind of work, and their motivations typically range from money to being bored and needing a date. Seungcheol’s answer is painfully honest, and it takes him a long moment to respond.

“That’s a weirdly mature reason to be a boyfriend for hire,” he says finally, staring at Seungcheol with what feels like brand new eyes. He can’t imagine someone this introspective ever being a bad partner to someone.

“Yeah, well,” Seungcheol ducks his head, smiling, “I also have bills to pay, and don’t have the time for a second job.”

“Hyung said that you teach?”

Seokmin’s drink has long gone cold, but he sips at it anyway, savoring the bitter taste of ginger on his tongue. The sweetness of the brown sugar is cloying, but he takes a bigger sip as Seungcheol talks. “I’m assisting at a preschool,” he replies.

Seokmin beams, trying to imagine him surrounded by a flock of kids. “That must be rewarding.”

He looks out the window with a distant look on his face, smiling at a memory. “When things feel bad, I just ask the kids how their day is, and they tell me that someone called them a poopyhead and it made them cry. Really puts things in perspective.”

They’re running low on minutes for this test run, so the conversation inevitably comes back to the reason they’re meeting. “So,” Seungcheol starts, “What are the things I need to know about your friend?”

It’s a good question, and he knows that he needs to prime Seungcheol for meeting the most important person in his life, but he tries and fails to find the words that adequately describe Jeonghan. A little overbearing. Overprotective. “He’s just very special to me.”

“He really must mean a lot to you if you’re willing to pay me to go to a noraebang with you,” Seungcheol jokes. “What if I’m a garbage singer?”

Seokmin’s face scrunches up, biting on his lip. “I guess you’ll have to send me an audio of you singing so you can prove yourself.”

Something crosses Seungcheol’s face for a minute, but before Seokmin can read it, it’s gone. “I’ll consider it.”

The silence that follows their tapered out laughter is comfortable. It’s nice. Seokmin hasn’t felt like this with someone new in a long while, and he thinks that maybe his gut feeling that this was a good sign was right. That if anything, he’ll walk away with a new friend.

Just as he opens his mouth to speak again, Seungcheol’s phone alarm goes off. Seokmin already misses him. He really needs to get a grip. “That’s my cue.”

Seokmin stands up, reaching over to give an awkward hug. “Thank you for meeting with me.”

“Yeah,” Seungcheol says, a ghost of a smile on his face as he pulls away. He looks up at Seokmin and the smile deepens and fuck, dimples.

A long moment passes, then Seungcheol clears his throat. “I’ll be reaching out with a formal contract.”

Seokmin nods, walking him over to the door. “Sounds good.”

“Nice to meet you, Seokmin.”

“You, too, Seungcheol-ssi. Hyung,” Seokmin says, correcting himself and suddenly feeling shy all over again. "See you later."

☀︎

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies to leenalchi, i think your album is very interesting and great (and well worth checking out if you're unfamiliar!)  
> additional idol cameos from son dongpyo and AleXa, because i could not help myself. also this fic now has a corresponding [playlist.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/62gGzkqxJweizDVavsyawa) // [fic twt](https://twitter.com/infrequenced/status/1351600721733496834)  
> 


	2. you flash like a setting sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is from black butterflies and déjà vu by the maine.

Jeonghan’s arms are crossed when he answers the video call.

For as long as Seokmin has known him, it’s been an indicator that he means business. 

His damp bleach-blond hair is pushed back off his forehead with a terry cloth headband, meaning that Seokmin had caught him on the tail end of his skincare routine.

Before he can even say hello, Jeonghan uncrosses his arms, lets out a deep, weary sigh that Seokmin knows means he’s once again prodded into his life and discovered something that he doesn’t like from across the ocean.

“So.”

The first _so_ is like an arm bent back, poised to take aim. Even an ocean away, Jeonghan is skilled at cutting right to the heart of something. Intuitive. It’s something Seokmin both loves and hates about him.

Seokmin adjusts his Airpods in preparation for what comes next. He’d been working from home today, from the comfort of their living room with Netflix as his only company. The light streaming in from their big window hits the laptop at a weird angle, and he moves the laptop screen back a touch so he can actually see.

He tries to buy himself some time, noticing a suitcase behind Jeonghan with a pile of neatly folded clothes spilling out of it. “Did you leave that last hotel?”

“Yeah, it really sucked. Kids everywhere. I’m in an Airbnb now,” Jeonghan replies dismissively before throwing the first dart. “Don’t change the subject. Were you ever gonna tell me about your new boyfriend, or was I supposed to find out from social media, like some commoner?”

The social media post in question is just an photo of Seokmin laughing, but there’s hurt in the question, like finding a photo credit caption with nothing but a heart next to it was some sort of ultimate betrayal.

However –

If Jeonghan is only finding out from social media, then that means that Soonyoung has finally learned how to keep a secret. What's more, he's learned to keep a secret from Jeonghan. A minor victory, awarded to the convenience of distance.

Seokmin pitches his voice to keep nonchalant, starting off with a soft “oh,” like he’s genuinely surprised. He had already thought about the situation and had decided there would be no value in telling him that the relationship is fake, that Seungcheol is essentially a sexless escort. A stand-in for the real thing.

Admitting that he couldn’t find a date, or agreed to pay someone would only make Jeonghan twice as annoying. And the confession would be mortifying.

“It’s really new, hyung,” Seokmin says, mustering up an apologetic tone, and that’s… not a lie at least. Not so new that his payment for Seungcheol hasn’t already cleared, but their first “date” was a few nights ago. Seungcheol took Seokmin to a park and they rode the duck boats.

His response must do enough to lessen the worry because Jeonghan visibly relaxes.

“Okay. Thank god. I didn’t know you were dating again and I thought I had missed something big.”

There’s a twinge of sympathy in Jeonghan’s voice, and for a brief moment, he wonders just how much Jeonghan knows.

The memory of the first time Seokmin ran into Mingyu shirtless in their apartment still feels like an open wound.

“Yeah,” Seokmin grins, carefully crafting how much to omit. “Soonyoung hyung introduced us, and we hit it off.”

Jeonghan tilts his head back, shaking his hair free from the headband. There’s something about seeing him in vulnerable moments that make Seokmin feel like he’s back in university. Like Jeonghan being the first out gay man he ever met, and when he realized that the desire to be near him all the time wasn’t simply platonic. That aching never went away.

“Hey,” Jeonghan says, waving his hand in front of the camera. “What’s with that face?”

“Nothing, hyung.” Lying is easy. Tamping those feelings down has gotten even easier. “Just miss you, is all.”

“I’ll be back in just a couple of weeks, you big baby. But I miss you, too.”

Jeonghan snuggles down into his bed, sinking back onto the stack of pillows behind him. The laptop wobbles on Jeonghan’s stomach. Seeing him like this makes Seokmin ache for the early days when they were sharing a studio apartment and stayed cuddled up together most nights. It was nice.

Jeonghan hums, content. “Are you gonna tell me his name?”

Two things happen when Seokmin replies:

  1. Right as he says “Choi Seungcheol,” Jeonghan lets out a squeak, sitting ramrod straight and the laptop clatters to the floor. The sound rings out in his ears, and he can hear Jeonghan swearing at the top of his lungs.
  2. Seungcheol sends him a text message with the message, “Wanna meet up? :)”



He doesn't learn until about 20 minutes later how much every action has a reaction.

☀︎

_lee seokmin is typing..._  
how do you know yoon jeonghan

from: choi seungcheol  
...  
why do you know that name

☀︎

Seokmin tries his best to skip out on hanging out with Soonyoung after work on Wednesday, begging off with time-honored lies like _I have too much take home work_ and _I need to water my plants_. However, Soonyoung is waiting outside of his office in tiger-striped sweatpants that he definitely made himself.

“You promised you’d come hang out with me and Wonwoo,” he whines, dragging by the hand toward the train station. “No take backs, homie.”

In the end, Seokmin concedes. It's on the way home anyway, and he knows that the hyungs will buy him food. He's in desperate need to go grocery shopping.

Soonyoung chatters the whole way to Yongsan-gu about his day and shows Seokmin pictures of the animals new to the zoo. One thing about Soonyoung is that he's incredibly passionate about what he does, and it spills out of him in bursts of energy. He’s especially excited about the addition of the birth of a red panda, but not without adding, “Still no new tiger,” with a sad sigh.

When they arrive at their usual PC bang, the sign at the door tells them that it's closed for cleaning and updating systems today. Soonyoung bangs at the door insistently, and Wonwoo appears to let them in with a sigh that would put Jeonghan to shame.

Seokmin doesn't know much about Wonwoo other than his parents own the PC bang. That’s how he met Soonyoung, at a Smash tournament that they hosted over the summer. Wonwoo gets Soonyoung’s brand of crazy, despite being extremely reserved. Seokmin suspects that he has his own moments, and sometimes he catches glimpses of it, a ghost biding its time.

So, really, he can't get mad at Wonwoo for not knowing the dynamics, even though Soonyoung tells him _everything, dude, like, keep a secret from my_ life partner _for why?_ but he _can_ kick his ass around a little on Overwatch.

Or, that was the plan Seokmin had consoled himself with on the train until Wonwoo breaks it to them less-than-gently.

“No, seriously, we're updating all of the PCs today and it's going to take hours. Can't you losers talk to each other? You know, like adults?”

Soonyoung helps himself to a bag of shrimp chips and tosses one to Seokmin, too, ignoring Wonwoo's protests. “Relaaaax,” he says to a visibly worked up Wonwoo.

Seokmin chooses a chair to spin around in, knowing very well what comes next.

“You're the worst. You can’t just take what you want in here because you’re with me,” Wonwoo says, grabbing for Soonyoung. Soonyoung goes easily, smug and catlike, leaning into the contact.

“You love me, though.”

“Yeah,” Wonwoo agrees, staring at him a little dopily before kissing him on the forehead. “Unfortunately, I do.”

The intricate rituals of two weirdos. He’ll never understand them.

The two of them disappear for a little bit behind the snack bar counter, and Seokmin takes a minute to check his unread text messages. He has three from Jeonghan, a handful of unreads from coworkers that can wait until office hours. None from Seungcheol. Not that it matters, but he doesn't expect to hear from Seungcheol for a minute after their little revelation.

Soonyoung reappears with a bottle of soju and glasses in hand.

“We're gonna need these for our conversation.”

In the year gap between graduating from university and moving in with Jeonghan, Seokmin lived with Hansol and Seungkwan in the early months of their relationship and learned more about love from watching the two of them than anything his parents or other friends ever taught him.

His mother refers to them as an old married couple when he brings them up. “Always bickering, Seokmin-ah,” she mused. “Don't know how you ever stood it.”

In the year-long gap, Jeonghan had moved to Daegu to be with a long-distance boyfriend he had started seeing a few weeks into his senior year. He has to excavate the memories to dust and shine them, pulling them into the light.

When the rays of sun catch, he can see the name.

In retrospect, it makes sense. All queer people their age in Seoul know each other somehow, or are friends with someone who knows someone. The pool is even smaller when it comes down to the ones who went to SNU, hung out at Yonsei, or currently go to Ewha, like Sana.

“So what happened between them?” Seokmin asks, bracing himself for the worst. It's just his luck to end up in a fake relationship with Jeonghan’s ex, even worse to have no context on why they're exes. Or better, he can't quite decide.

“It wasn't messy or bad,” Soonyoung shrugs, taking another shot. “They realized they weren’t right for each other romantically.” Seokmin refills Soonyoung’s glass before his own. The alcohol rarely burns anymore, but Seokmin’s face feels hot, hotter next to a tower of warm PCs. 

“I think they just grew apart,” Wonwoo answers, somewhere to their left. He's under one of the PC towers checking connections and wiping down baseboards and hits his head on the way out. “Ah, shit–” Wonwoo whines, rubbing the back of his head.

“Hey, good one, Wonwoo.”

Wonwoo gives Soonyoung a _look_ , and he immediately quiets down, downing his drink. He tilts his face up to look at Seokmin from the floor, looking contemplative.

“I don’t think hyung has spoken to Jeonghan hyung since, so you have nothing to worry about.”

Soonyoung lifts his glass like he’s toasting, face raised to the ceiling. “Yeah, besides. It’s not like the two of you are dating for real.”

☀︎

from: yoon jeonghan  
hey  
sorry for being dramatic:(  
cheol is a good dude and i hope you’re happy!!

from: yoon jeonghan  
oh and also  
be safe ;)

to: yoon jeonghan  
(DRAFT) it’s not real  
(DRAFT) :|

☀︎

to: yoon jeonghan  
thank you hyung :)

☀︎

Seungcheol breaks the silence and asks Seokmin to meet him at Namsan Park.

Even though they've barely spoken since, Seungcheol still greets him at the Exit 3 doors of Myeongdong Station with two drinks in hand, an iced Americano held out for him as Seokmin walks up.

"You didn't list your coffee order on the questionnaire, so I went with a tried and true," he says.

Seokmin takes it gratefully. He’ll take caffeine any way he can get it nowadays. Besides, he doesn’t feel nervous around Seungcheol, not anymore. "I like Americanos."

The trek to the park is mostly uphill. Seokmin’s glad he chose to double back for comfortable, worn-in shoes. They walk together in mostly silence, making small talk about their workweek until Seungcheol tells a story that makes Seokmin double over in laughter. Seokmin worked as a summer camp counselor very briefly at a theater camp for kids, but he couldn’t ever see himself doing it day in and day out.

“I don’t _love_ working in media,” Seokmin explains as they turn a corner, Seungcheol bounds up behind him, struggling to keep up with his long legs. “But I get to stay close to what I love doing in covering a lot of the local culture.”

“That’s a really cool way of looking at it,” Seungcheol says, stopping to drop his empty cup into a recycling bin.

“Yeah,” Seokmin responds, switching hands and wiping the condensation on his pants. “I guess it is.”

“So, Jeonghan’s your roommate?” Seungcheol asks finally, once they get to the cable car station. Seokmin’s still a little out of breath from the walk, but he nods, settling into the seat across from him.

“Yeah, we’ve lived together for about a year and a half now, but we've been friends since college,” Seokmin replies, shaking loose the stuck ice cubes in his cup. Seungcheol opens his mouth to say something, but the cable car jolts forward, knocking him back into his seat.

The feeling of the cable car lifting has Seokmin's stomach doing flips, and not of the fun variety. He looks over at Seungcheol, who’s looking outside the window a little excitedly, and feels envy.

Seungcheol catches him staring, and an amused expression crosses his face. “Are you afraid of heights?”

“No?” Yes. Once, he went to look at a high-rise apartment with Jeonghan on the 23rd floor. Jeonghan invited him to look out at the view, and Seokmin had to take several long grounding breaths to calm his racing pulse. Jeonghan no longer tells him to do stupid things like “Look down! Look how high up we are, wow!” and Seokmin simply does not acknowledge the existence of their balcony.

“Seokmin,” Seungcheol fiddles with his lap belt until it comes loose, moving to the other side of the car. “Give me your hand.”

“What? No, I’m fine,” Seokmin insists, squishing to the sidewall. Seungcheol makes an irritated sound in the back of his throat, but Seokmin keeps trying to wave him off.

“Go back to the other side, I’m fine.”

Seungcheol looks thoroughly unconvinced. “Seokmin,” he says in a gentle voice. His preschool teacher voice, he realizes after a beat. It makes him feel about two centimeters tall.

“You don’t sound fine.”

“Don’t patronize me, hyung,” he replies bluntly, a bit of teeth to his tone. It’s more fear than anger. “I’m _fine._ ”

They’re very much at an impasse, with Seokmin refusing to budge and Seungcheol with his hand out. Seungcheol stares out at the skyline, out past Seokmin, letting his hand relax.

“Have you ever seen the skyline like this?” Seungcheol’s voice is as soft as before, but with a different inflection. More subdued, more awed. “It’s weird to think about how the city is so big and sprawling, but from up high, everything is so small.”

Seokmin stares at him, a little incredulous. “Are you seriously trying to philosophize the skyline right now? Really?”

Seungcheol’s eyes flick down to his, amused. He’s leaned in close, close enough Seokmin can smell the sandalwood in his cologne. Can see the freckles just to the left of his nose, above his chin, on his throat.

It's so silly, but after a beat, Seokmin realizes he's no longer thinking about how far off the ground they are. Ten points to Seungcheol.

“Maybe,” Seungcheol says finally, pulling away. Seokmin lets out a breath. He feels like such a cliche, then Seungcheol thoroughly squashes the moment, shoving at his shoulder. “You ruined my plans of taking you to dinner at the Tower, but I didn’t wanna be accusatory about it.”

☀︎

The base of Seoul Tower is decorated with multicolored padlocks, each one inscribed with a message declaring their love will last forever. The irony isn’t lost on Seokmin, coming here with Seungcheol when their fake relationship has an expiration date. “You think you’re _so_ funny for this, don’t you?”

Seungcheol bats his long eyelashes. “Oh come on,” he says, grabbing Seokmin’s hand to lead him to the benches in front of the Trees of Love. “Let me have this one.”

Seokmin poses for photos, but after a moment, the ridiculousness of their situation starts to eat at him. Being here with a fake boyfriend. He’s never really put stock into tourist trap things like the love locks, but coming here with a paid date stings.

A passing couple stops by and asks Seungcheol if he’d like them to take pictures of them. Seungcheol nods, passing off his phone to them before sliding onto the bench next to Seokmin.

He puts his arm around Seokmin, pulling him in close. The resting weight of Seungcheol’s arm suddenly feels heavy, hot to the touch. The couple counts to three, and Seokmin leans into him, trying to make it look real.

The hand on his shoulder dips to his waist, and every muscle in Seokmin's body locks up. He knows it’s just part of the act, but the familiarity suddenly feels stifling.

“Nothing weird ever happened between us, if that’s what you wanted to know,” Seungcheol says suddenly. Seokmin’s smile falters.

“What do you mean by weird?”

Seungcheol puts his arm down. He stares at Seokmin like he's trying to unlock a door with a set of unlabeled keys. The couple gives Seungcheol’s phone back to him, and both of them thank them profusely as they walk away.

Seokmin shoves his hands into his pockets as he stands. He takes a step back from Seungcheol, taking a minute to look at their surroundings. It's early enough in the day that the crowds are sparse, but most of the people around them are couples. Couples, and Seokmin, standing at an awkward distance from Seungcheol.

“Just,” Seungcheol sighs, flicking through his camera roll. “It ended because it ended. I don’t hate him or anything. I was just caught off-guard. It’d be good to see him again.”

Seungcheol looks up at Seokmin, reaching out to adjust his jacket.

“Okay, I’ve traumatized you enough today. There’s a coffee shop in the tower, but there’s a better place that's not in the park if you’re interested?”

☀︎

On the way back down from the tower base, Seungcheol sits next to him in the cable car. Going down is easier than going up for Seokmin, so he doesn't feel the same fear. Still, Seokmin reaches out to take Seungcheol's hand. 

Seungcheol squeezes as the cable car starts to move.

“You okay?” Seungcheol asks, concerned. He leans his head on Seokmin’s shoulder. It’s nice. 

“I’m fine. Thank you, hyung.” Seungcheol doesn’t ask what for, but hums a response, curling in close. His arm tingles everywhere he touches, every brush of his leg against Seokmin’s shooting sparks down his legs into his toes. It’s too comfortable for him to shy away from it.

☀︎

from: choi seungcheol  
ok so i know wonwoo and soonyoung  
who else will be there?

to: choi seungcheol  
ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ  
it’s easier to say who won’t be there  
like obviously jeonghan  
hansol is sick so no seungkwan

from: choi seungcheol  
_sent a sticker  
_that doesn’t help!

to: choi seungcheol  
i’ll call you when i wrap up this work thing  
jeez do ur own intel what do i pay u for  
ㅋㅋㅋㅋ

from: choi seungcheol  
🙄 is that any way to talk to ur hyung  
jk

☀︎

Seokmin comes home on a Monday afternoon with music playing in his ears, priming himself to flop into bed and let the beginning of what feels like a stressful work week sink in. He's been bogged down with projects for the last week, so an early bedtime sounds ideal.

He doesn’t see the second pair of slippers, the ones that have long gone unused in Jeonghan's absence, have moved from their spot next to the door. His head is down as he trudges through to the kitchen, not even noticing the lights are already on while texting Seungcheol. They’re still trying to create what Seungcheol calls a “plan of attack” for Jeonghan’s return.

“He’s not a final boss in a video game, Cheol,” Seokmin says out loud, reaching into the refrigerator for the water pitcher.

“Yeah, Cheol,” Jeonghan says from somewhere behind him, and Seokmin drops the pitcher on his foot, and screams, spilling water all over the floor.

“I don’t know who you’re talking about, but I’m sure they’re not nearly as nefarious or magical.” Jeonghan continues, stepping around the pieces of plastic to reach out for Seokmin.

“You said you would call me before you booked a flight!” Seokmin says dumbly, reaching out for him and clinging tight. Jeonghan is still small and thin and firm, albeit less blond and more frizzy after months away from his hairstylist.

“Yeah, well, I figured just getting on a plane home would be better,” he replies, pulling away. "Besides, my mom kept whining about me being so far away. Surprise!" He leans down to pick up the broken pitcher pieces, smiling up at him with love. 

Seokmin smiles back, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

☀︎

to: choi seungcheol  
lol we have a _minor_ problem

☀︎

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! no comment is too small, etc etc. you know the drill.   
> this fic now has a corresponding [playlist.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/62gGzkqxJweizDVavsyawa?si=2CEQtL0wTuqUFPsJcSkrSQ#_=_)


	3. fearless on my breath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is from hayley williams' cover of "teardrop" by massive attack. we're crankin' things up from here on out, babey 

☀︎

Jeonghan only spends a couple of days at the apartment before he tells Seokmin that he’ll be leaving to go see his parents in Gangbuk-gu.

“I have a shit ton of things to drop off at home,” he says, lugging a smaller suitcase into the living room. The couches have become home to Jeonghan’s clothes from his trip as he sorts out the gifts for everyone, the little souvenirs of his travels scattered across the hardwood.

The night prior, Jeonghan had gifted Seokmin with a hodgepodge of confusing trinkets from different places in the States, including but not limited to a painted rock with the name of a tourist attraction he’s never heard of, a “World’s Greatest Grandpa” shirt, and a gorgeous ceramic mug… with Jeonghan’s name inscribed into the handle.

“To be fair,” Jeonghan had said, giggling into his wine glass, fingers loose around the stem. Seokmin has to reach over to take the glass from him before red wine starts sloshing everywhere. “I was trying to find the perfect gift for you and it doesn’t exist. Lucky you!”

All in all, his silly little gifts will make lovely additions to a donation center pile.

Seokmin _is_ thankful Jeonghan decided to pay for laundry service this time around; the current nightmare state of their apartment is nothing compared to what it could’ve been. He still has vivid flashbacks about the Great Washing Machine Leak of 2018, and the Sun Bleached Shirt Debacle of Summer 2019.

Jeonghan coming home from his trips is always, to put it lightly, an experience. He’s surprised Jeonghan hasn’t gotten them kicked out of an apartment complex yet.

“You’re going to clean up this mess before you leave, right?” Seokmin asks. He's on his way out to meet up with Sana for drinks, toeing around the ridiculous maze of doo-dads and whats-its littering the ground.

Jeonghan scoffs, looking up at him from his nest of towels and sweaters on the ground. He clucks at him like an irate mother hen, nose all scrunched up.

“Of course, Seokminie.” Jeonghan sounds hurt that he would even suggest such a thing. “You think I would leave you with this?”

When Seokmin shuffles in the door later that night, Jeonghan has, in fact, left him with a mess.

☀︎

to: yoon jeonghan  
[image attached]  
question: why do you hate me

from: yoon jeonghan  
ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ  
Sorry~  
gave mingyu the passcode  
he’ll come clean up for me  
and take some things to his place ㅋㅋ  
love u!!!

☀︎

“Isn’t practice kissing a stupid movie thing?” Seokmin drops his voice around the word _kissing_ , forming his mouth around it like a dirty word. He wrinkles his nose at the thought.

The subject of practice kissing came up organically, but it did put a damper on the discussion. In the grand scheme of things, it makes sense. It would be embarrassing if their first kiss in front of Jeonghan were a disaster. They’ve crossed the month-long threshold of their fake relationship, so Seokmin knows he’s right.

He hates that Seungcheol is right.

Seungcheol stares him down for a moment, studying his expression. The apples of his high cheekbones are a little rosy from the alcohol and heat of the grill, mouth set in a firm line.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to kiss Seungcheol – he's stared at his lips more than enough to not think about how soft they might be – but it’s not something he’d considered before hitting send on their contract.

“A stupid movie thing,” Seungcheol laughs quietly, more to himself than Seokmin. It makes him feel a little bad for even saying it. Every part about their setup is a stupid movie thing.

To make matters worse, Seungcheol seems to lean into the thought, leading with “No offense,” which Seokmin happens to take a lot of offense to, thank you very much, reaching over the table to pat Seokmin's hand. “When was the last time you kissed someone?”

Seokmin startles, giving the question some thought. His last date was almost two years ago now, so… an abysmally long time. He frowns at the thought. As far as he remembers, it wasn’t even a _good_ kiss. And also, _two years._ Damn. Seokmin really isn’t getting _any_. He used to have much better game than this.

Seungcheol seems to sense his now-heightening distress, hand circling around his wrist. His thumb rubs in small little strokes on the inside, soothing. Warm, pulling Seokmin back to the present.

And then the asshole ruins the moment.

“You can say Soonyoung at a party, it’s fine,” Seungcheol quips with a wry grin.

Seokmin sticks his tongue out and gags, yanking his hand away from Seungcheol to shoot daggers at him. “Ugh. Fuck you.”

Seungcheol neatly dodges the balled-up napkin, tearing up at his own joke. “He’s not a terrible kisser, just a little sloppy!”

Soonyoung’s habit of kissing everyone at parties has long become a bit of a running joke. There isn’t a person who _hasn’t_ been kissed by him at this point.

Wonwoo has long since gotten used to his boyfriend planting one on everyone, and quietly talks him down with all of his endless patience. He's thankful for it, but Seokmin mastered the art of deflecting him a year into their friendship. Still, Soonyoung seems to keep evolving his tactics.

“Seriously though. I know it’s stupid, but we haven’t yet,” Seungcheol says simply, ducking under the table for the napkin. “We should consider it.”

Seokmin nods, kicking the napkin toward Seungcheol’s hand. His fist closes around it, dropping it onto his empty plate.

He stares at the napkin for a moment, then looks back up at Seokmin before standing up. Seungcheol pushes his chair slowly, walking over to Seokmin's side and pulling out the seat.

“What are you doing?” Seokmin asks, throat tight. Seungcheol doesn't respond.

Seokmin's shoulders feel stiff, muscles all locked up when Seungcheol sits in the empty seat next to him. He visibly flinches when Seungcheol touches his arm.

They've been close together like this many times before over the last few weeks – on the cable car, knocking shoulders while walking together at the park, hands grazing on the bus or train, Seungcheol hovering over his shoulder while he plays MapleStory at the PC bang – but it's always been on accident. Never with intent. Never like this.

“Trust me,” Seungcheol says softly, intertwining their fingers together. He scoots in closer until he and Seokmin are shoulder to shoulder, thigh to thigh. Seungcheol’s hair hangs loose in front of his eyes, but his gaze is heavy, unyielding, boring into Seokmin’s own eyes until Seokmin breaks their line of contact. It’s too intense for him to take head-on.

“We’re in public,” Seokmin hisses out of the side of his mouth, trying to pull away. Seungcheol shakes his head. The hand on his squeezes tighter, firm. Not so tight that Seokmin can’t get free, but enough to prove a point.

“I’m not gonna kiss you here, but you get so tense when I get close to you like this.” His voice is even, low, low enough Seokmin has to lean into him to hear better.

“If this were real, you wouldn’t react that way around me.”

It takes several long moments for Seokmin to loosen up, but there’s nothing he can do about his now rocketing pulse. Seungcheol must be able to feel it because he takes a deep breath in, and Seokmin follows his lead. In, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four.

Seokmin stares at where their hands are still joined together on the table. That, at least, looks natural. Feels natural, as much as Seokmin catches himself reaching for Seungcheol. He’s always been a hand-holder, but this instance is different from an innocent handhold on the ride back down to Namsan Park, or while crossing the street for a corn dog.

“See?” Seungcheol whispers, painfully close. Seokmin nearly jumps out of his chair at the first brush of breath, hot against the shell of his ear.

“Off-guard. If we’ve been together for over a month now, that wouldn’t be the case.”

Seokmin puts his head in his hands and laughs. Because he can’t think of anything else to do. He laughs.

“Hyung, you’re so annoying.”

Seungcheol lets go of his hand. He looks smug when he settles back into his seat across from Seokmin, arms crossed high on his chest.

“Whatever you say.”

☀︎

Jeonghan stays gone for a couple more days, but Mingyu lingers in their apartment like a lost puppy. He’s in the off-season, or whatever the modeling equivalent of being between jobs is.

For the most part, Seokmin has no problems with Mingyu. He likes him enough. He has an awful habit of hovering when Seokmin stays too long in common areas, craving attention or some sort of stimulation.

“Seokmin-ah, do you wanna go get ice cream?”

“Hey, how do you work this remote? Ah, never mind. Figured it out.”

“I bought groceries if you wanted to make dinner together tonight.”

Like a buzzing bee, persistent and always in his ear, over his shoulder, at his side. Buzz. _Seokmin-ah._ Buzz. _Hey, do you think–_ Buzz.

It only takes two days of being bothered by Mingyu while working from the apartment for him to decide to change locations and give up attempting to work from home. He texts Mingyu his location, asking him if he wants Seokmin to bring back coffee, then zips up his laptop and notebook into a messenger bag to head out.

His workload for the week doesn't require him to be in the office, so he takes his work to a local coffee shop, where he’s made friends with the doting owner Ms. Jung, and her beloved pet raccoon, Gyeol. When he arrives, neither Ms. Jung nor the raccoon is there, but her niece, Minju, is to greet him.

“Oh, Lee Seokmin-ssi! I didn’t expect to see you so early!” Minju calls as he enters. He typically comes by on his way to the train station, a little later on in the mornings.

“Annoying houseguest,” he explains, and Minju nods knowingly. She’s heard him gripe about Mingyu in the past – politely so – so she doesn’t need much of an explanation. Minju lives with a housemate she doesn’t quite get along with; she’s in her early years of university, so she knows what it's like.

“Well, go ahead and get settled. I’ll bring you your tea!”

He stays through most of the day, buying another drink every couple of hours to make up for being a table hog. Seokmin remembers his own barista days and how annoying the plug hogs were, so he rotates so other people can use the plug.

Around 6 pm, Seungcheol sends him a text message.

from: choi seungcheol  
hey do you have dinner plans

Guiltily, Seokmin remembers Mingyu stumbling into the apartment earlier that week with arms full of vegetables and meat from the grocery store. He thinks about skipping out on dinner, knowing Mingyu will leave him food out anyway.

And then sends a text.

to: choi seungcheol  
hold on

to: kim mingyu  
think we have enough food for one more person tonight?

☀︎

Dinner with Mingyu passes by rather uneventfully. He’s introduced Seungcheol in passing to friends as his boyfriend, but Mingyu is one step away from Jeonghan, so convincing him is important. If he notices anything amiss, he doesn’t say anything, seems grateful for someone to talk to.

That niggles at Seokmin a little. He doesn’t mean to be dismissive towards Mingyu, but it seems to wear on him more than he lets on. He makes a note to be a little more outwardly kinder towards him.

Mingyu and Seungcheol go back and forth on subjects Seokmin is less versed in. Seokmin manages to drop in polite comments where he can while eating his soondubu jjigae in moderate silence. It’s not uncomfortable. It’s actually kind of nice, having someone there to buffer Mingyu. He’s used to big personalities – having a boisterous presence himself, at times – but being able to take a backseat in a conversation is relaxing.

Most importantly, it’s interesting for Seokmin to watch two people Jeonghan has given love to interact with one another. He starts gathering the little similarities here and there, and the feelings he’s been working to tamp down shake loose from the puck.

Seungcheol seems to notice the tension, pushing back from the table.

“Thank you so much for dinner, Mingyu-ssi. Can I help you wash dishes?”

“Ah, it was no trouble at all!” Mingyu shoos at the two of them, insisting he’ll clean up alone. “Go do couple things. I _like_ cleaning, it’s fine.”

Seokmin stands on shaky legs, leading Seungcheol to his room. Once both of them are inside, Seokmin closes the door, holding a hand up as he waits for Mingyu to turn his music on. It’s dramatic, but Seungcheol lets it pass, flopping down onto Seokmin’s bed as if he belongs there.

“Seems like it went well, meeting the best friend’s boyfriend.”

Snorting, Seokmin kicks his slippers off next to the door, shoving Seungcheol over to crawl towards the headboard. “Sure. Mingyu is easy to please.”

“Do you not like him or something?” Seungcheol asks slowly.

His thick brows are furrowed, head tilted back to look up at Seokmin. His hair looks silly from this angle, sticking straight out, their usual waves pulled straight by Seungcheol’s constant fussing. He has little tells when he gets nervous, and it feels like solidarity knowing Seungcheol was anxious as hell during dinner.

Seokmin wonders if it’s weird. Meeting your ex’s current boyfriend. He used to get so antsy around Sana when she would talk about Jaehyun, but Seokmin dated him so briefly and so long ago it doesn’t feel fair to compare.

Seungcheol wiggles closer to him, until his head is settled between his outstretched legs, across his calves. Ever since Seungcheol’s exercise in comfort with Seokmin at the restaurant, he’s been working Seokmin up to becoming less tense around him.

“I don’t dislike Mingyu,” Seokmin sighs, fidgeting to get comfortable. Seungcheol lifts his head until he stops moving, setting back down with a warm sigh. “I just don’t…love him, you know?”

That gets Seungcheol’s attention, enough to make him sit upright. Staring at Seokmin like he’s trying to study him, not for the first time tonight.

“Why is that, do you think?”

He grimaces in response. “What are you, my therapist?”

Seungcheol rolls his eyes but lets the subject drop, turning so he’s on his knees, moving until he’s next to Seokmin at the top of the bed.

“Whatever. Not my business, I guess,” he says, placing a hand above Seokmin’s head. He’s close now, close enough Seokmin can feel the heat rolling off Seungcheol’s body, the sterile smell of hand sanitizer, and public school hand soap mixed in with sweat and sandalwood.

“What about you?” Seokmin squeezes out, needing a distraction from the proximity. “Meeting Mingyu, was that weird?”

Seungcheol’s hand slips a little on the wall, and he leans in closer. “Not really, no.”

His voice is so soft. Almost an exhale, coming in low in his chest. Seokmin tries to steady his breathing, but Seungcheol is so close it’s hard to breathe.

“What are you doing?” Seokmin asks numbly. He tilts his face up and feels instant regret. Seungcheol has always been handsome to Seokmin, but he’s stunning from this angle, his long eyelashes fanning against his face, his usually kind eyes gone dark, white t-shirt stretched tight around his chest. The jeans that sit comfortably above his hips make him seem broader in Seokmin’s line of sight. Seokmin can feel the prick of sweat behind his own knees, the familiar itch in his palms.

The less familiar stirring behind his groin.

“What are you _doing_?” Seokmin asks again, rougher. His breath is coming out in shorter puffs. Seungcheol’s mouth twists into something a little self-satisfied, enjoying Seokmin’s reaction.

“I’m gonna kiss you now.”

“Oh,” Seokmin replies, a little stupid. The walls of his bedroom feel like they’re pushing in. Every bit of his attention has closed in on the points of pressure where Seungcheol’s body is touching his, every inch of his skin feeling charged from the static. If he lets himself admit it, he craves the friction. “Okay.”

“You sure that’s okay?” Seungcheol asks, needing reassurance. It’s like a fog dissipating with him not almost on top of Seokmin, blood finally making it to the brain. “Not gonna if you don’t wanna.”

Seokmin shivers, nodding twice. A little voice in his head reminds him none of this is real, daring him to say no. To go on not knowing, not kissing Seungcheol. Not partaking in the foolish fantasy.

The voice telling him to say yes wins out in the end. It’s been so long since his last kiss and he can’t stop staring at Seungcheol’s mouth.

“You can,” Seokmin chokes out finally, clearing his throat. “You can kiss me, hyung.”

Seungcheol seems to hesitate for a moment before finally leaning in, breath ghosting over Seokmin’s parted lips. Self-consciousness rises up in his chest like a flood, hyper-aware of everything from the acid bite of kimchi on his breath to how dry his lips are compared to Seungcheol’s plush looking ones, just a half-breath away.

“Squeeze my knee if you want me to stop,” Seungcheol says. His right hand envelopes Seokmin’s left, dragging it from where it lies limp at his side to where his jeans are strained against his thighs. It’s intimate. Too intimate for what they are to each other. Too intimate for something that has an expiration date.

Then Seungcheol’s mouth is on his, and any and all coherent thought fizzles out into nothing. His lips are soft, warm against Seokmin’s own unyielding mouth. The first press is a barely-there butterfly kiss. Short, soft pecks on his lips, a primer for the real thing. He pulls back after a short moment, hands coming up to cup Seokmin’s face.

“Hey,” Seungcheol says. His voice is gentle but firm. Thumbs hook under Seokmin’s jaw, holding his face steady so they’re eye to eye. “You need to relax.”

“I know,” Seokmin insists, trying to peel back the sudden layer of irritation settling over him. Every time, his stupid body locks up. “I know, just–“

And Seungcheol’s mouth is back on his.

Relaxing into it is a process. Seungcheol gives him the time to do it, biding his time until Seokmin kisses back.

Seokmin lets himself get pulled into it, letting one hand drag up the denim to rest on Seungcheol’s hip, the other sinking into his hair. It’s just as soft as he imagined it being, and the coo that spills out of him makes Seungcheol laugh into his mouth, breaking off into a soft moan.

Seungcheol whines a little as he moves, straddling over Seokmin’s hips and getting closer without breaking away. He can feel a hint of a smile, and Seokmin can’t help but smile back.

“Better,” Seungcheol breathes out his approval, resting his forehead against Seokmin’s. Seungcheol’s breathing comes heavy now. It’s a heady kind of high for Seokmin to know he’s not the only person affected.

“Fast learner.” The praise zips up his spine. Seokmin feels like he’s back in choral competitions, basking in the elation of acing a sight-reading test. He likes it when Seungcheol praises him.

“I have a good teacher,” Seokmin says, hand at his hip squeezing. Seungcheol’s laugh comes out in a sigh, kissing it into Seokmin’s mouth. Seokmin drinks it in, savoring the taste.

A knock at the door startles them apart with some finality. When he looks over at Seungcheol, his eyes are wild, chest rising and falling almost in time with the thumping of Seokmin’s pulse.

“Yeah?” Seokmin calls out, still staring at him, waiting for Mingyu’s response. He sounds out of breath. Mingyu must pick up on it because he can hear the footsteps stumble back from the door.

“It can wait, sorry!”

Silence falls over the apartment again, and Seokmin can hear a door open and click shut out in the hall. Seungcheol bites on his kiss swollen lower lip, and Seokmin’s eyes fall to it.

“I think,” Seungcheol says, voice coming out sharp. He sounds like he’s been running a marathon. “That’s gonna be my cue to go home.”

☀︎

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you’ve enjoyed so far! Thank you so much for reading ♡   
> Cameo from GWSN's Minju. This fic now has a playlist which you can listen to on Spotify [here. ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/62gGzkqxJweizDVavsyawa)


	4. to make the being alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> being vulnerable sucks big time.
> 
> chapter title is from the son lux song, "easy" – pull your heart out to make the / being alone  
> 

☀︎

“So he kissed you?”

Sana throws herself down onto the blanket the second Seokmin finishes smoothing it out. Seokmin frowns.

“You’re so impatient, noona,” Seokmin whines, and Sana giggles. Her laugh sounds like wind chimes, soft and infectious, impossible to be annoyed with.

“We’ve been walking _forever_. Answer the question!”

Saturdays at Olympic Park are usually a little busy, drawing tourists and locals out of their homes and onto the walking trails, especially now that the leaves have begun to change. Not quite the gold and maroon foliage on the Gingko path that people come to see in droves in late autumn, but a mosaic of muted jewel tones offset by the stubborn evergreens. It’s a small miracle that no one has made it to the Lone Tree so that Sana and Seokmin can lay claim to the bits of its shade.

Olpark is within walking distance of Sana and Jaehyun’s apartment, despite her protests otherwise. It was Sana’s fault they had taken the long way to Mongchontoseong Fortress; they stopped a million times to take photos on the short walk there. Still, managing to get to the tree without running into anyone, neither influencer nor tourist, is an incredible win.

Seokmin uses his hands to shade his eyes from the sun. It’s painfully bright out yet windy enough to put a chill into the air. He wishes that he had thought to bring a windbreaker. The long-sleeve shirt isn’t quite enough.

“Yeah, he kissed me,” he says, pulling his backpack onto his lap to try to dig out his sunglasses.

“For ‘practice.’”

Seokmin can hear the air quotes in her voice. She was the first person he texted when Seungcheol left, not knowing who else to turn to. No one else has the full context of the situation like she does.

“Yeah,” he replies lamely. His lips tingle at the memory of Seungcheol in his lap, his hands in Seungcheol’s hair, Seungcheol’s arms around his neck. It would be less of an issue if their relationship weren’t strictly an arrangement. The friendly text messages asking about his day had become sparse, scarce, then dried up altogether. It puts a lot of things in perspective, but he needs a second opinion.

“Was anyone else around?” Sana deadpans. She pulls the strings of her hoodie until only her mouth shows, lips shiny in the sunlight. Seokmin gives up on finding his sunglasses and puts his bag behind him, pushing it under his head.

He pulls up the grass between his fingers off the edge of the blanket, watching the clippings fall back to the ground.

“Mingyu was in the other room.”

“Hm,” Sana responds, falling silent before continuing, “So it sounds... like a load of bullshit to me–”

Seokmin cuts her off with, “ _You’re_ the one who said to go for it!” but she sits up, yanking her hood off. Her hair is tousled, and her skin is a little flushed from the humidity. She stares down at him, and Seokmin stares back, exasperated.

“Do you like Seungcheol?” she asks, direct. It’s an arrow to the chest.

The answer is yes.

Seokmin knows this, has known it for a while, despite his best attempts at trying not to like him. But Seungcheol is so easy to like that it’s no wonder he’s good at what he does.

Seokmin hesitates for a beat, blocking the sun from his eyes. “I like him enough.”

But Sana has always been good at reading him, and Seokmin has never been good at hiding things.

“He’s just not Jeonghan hyung, is he?” she asks softly. Sana reaches out to touch his arm. It’s grounding, and god knows Seokmin needs it because the ground is spinning.

He doesn’t answer, not for a long while. The sound of cars in the distance travels over the field and echoes in the empty spaces. There’s something beautiful about the contrast of listening to the sounds of a city rush by while in the middle of an open field. Something beautiful about falling in love with someone over many years and those emotions growing stronger even after seeing them at their worst.

Loving Jeonghan is a process, one that has become a part of Seokmin’s routine. A long time ago, he heard his mother say that being in love meant to say yes to someone every day. To say yes to all of their faults and shortcomings and love them anyway. It’s become as easy as breathing now; wake up, quick shower, brush his teeth, make coffee, love Jeonghan. It fits snugly in his routine, as it has since the first time they exchanged hellos.

Seokmin’s voice comes out in barely a whisper, but it carries. Sana squeezes his arm gently. “I wish I didn’t still like him so much, noona.”

“Does it feel better or worse, knowing that Seungcheol has dated hyung?”

“I don’t know.”

A lull falls back over the two of them. In the distance, people have started to walk in the direction of the tree. Seokmin’s eyes sting a little, and he dabs at them with his palms.

“How did kissing him make you feel?” Sana tries again, and Seokmin groans. He’s considered every possibility of his feelings and landed on the same conclusion. He’s fucked.

“If you like him,” she says, nudging him with her foot. “I think you should let yourself feel what you’re feeling. I’m not going to tell you how to feel, but I think that at the very least, you two should talk about what happened and try to make sense of it together. If not towards something real, then at least so you’re on the same page.”

Off to their left, a family of four starts walking up toward the Lone Tree. The raw turn their conversation has taken has Seokmin feeling antsy, and Sana rolls onto her stomach, pushing up onto her knees before standing.

Seokmin hefts himself off the blanket, letting Sana yank it off the grass to fold it.

They start walking again, quiet as they get back onto the path, slow and shoulder to shoulder. It’s some minutes before either of them speak again.

Finally, Seokmin breaks the silence after they pass a signpost pointing toward the exit. “How did you know you liked Jaehyun?”

Sana makes a sound like she’s thinking, head tilted as she deliberates. Bikers pass them as they come to a stop, and Seokmin moves them over to the side of the path.

“Ha,” she smiles. Seokmin has never actually asked outright, only ever heard her talk about getting with Jaehyun secondhand.

“I actually couldn’t stand him at first,” she admits. “He kept flirting with me at that party, and then Chris spilled that beer on me and the next morning–“ Sana looks mildly embarrassed as she continues.

Seokmin humors her, playing up a faux scandalized expression. “ _Sana noona_!”

“The next morning,” she continues, blushing furiously. That fondness that takes over when she talks about Jaehyun comes in, syrupy sweet. “He had made me breakfast. And we talked for a long time about our past relationships and what we were looking for in a partner, and I ended up staying the whole weekend.”

Seokmin doesn't think he'll ever understand what Sana and Jaehyun have, but he knows from watching them together that what they feel for each other is something special that makes his chest burn with something like envy.

“He was the right person at the right time.” She gestures as if to say _and that's all_ , and Seokmin gets it, loud and clear. Emotions are difficult to navigate and sometimes don't make any sense.

They finally make it out of the park, agreeing to head to Tous Le Jours for coffee. As if on cue, Sana’s phone vibrates, and her expression turns warm; he doesn't have to ask to know that Jaehyun is calling. He holds back for Sana as she takes his coffee order. The smile on her face doesn’t slip for a second.

When Sana hangs up, she looks at him inquisitively. Seokmin shakes his head before responding, “I’m sincerely happy for you both. Honestly.”

Sana rolls her eyes, arms opening wide for Seokmin to step into. Sana’s face presses into his chest, his face in her hair. She’s small but strong, squeezing him tight. Her voice is muffled when she speaks again, but Seokmin can feel every word. “I know it was weird for you in the beginning, but. Thank you. Really.”

Seokmin pulls away, eyes bright. Ugh. He doesn’t want to cry about his friends today. “Your parents are gonna love him.”

Sana groans, “God, I hope so.”

☀︎

from: kwon hoshi🐯  
where are youuuuuu  
ur not trying to skip out on TRADITION r u  
just bc sana can’t make it  
i thought u loved me :’(  
also cheol is here

to: kwon hoshi🐯  
first: never said i loved u  
second: why is hyung there??  
the train was late:(

from: kwon hoshi🐯  
wow….  
u love n nurture someone for years…..  
and he’s ur “Boyfriend”  
ask him not me

to: kwon hoshi🐯  
:/ “nurture”  
and thanks 4 no help !

from: kwon hoshi🐯  
well i have to GO now  
u owe me >:((

☀︎

When Seokmin finally makes it to the dessert shop, Seungcheol is sitting alone at a table. He’d figured that Soonyoung would be gone by the time he arrives; Soonyoung has filled his KaTalk inbox with crying emojis and stickers in his absence. 

“Hi, sorry,” he says, sliding into the bench across from Seungcheol. There's a coffee mug on his side of the table, and Seokmin takes it gratefully with a soft thank you. Seungcheol nods in greeting, but his smile is tight-lipped. There's no warmth in it, and Seokmin's heart sinks.

Silence falls over them, and for the first time since their arrangement began, it’s uncomfortable and stale. Everything about Seungcheol’s posture screams indeterminate discomfort. The coffee is a welcome distraction from the self-consciousness that starts creeping over Seokmin.

“I think I overstepped last week,” Seungcheol blurts out, bottom lip pulled taut between his teeth. It grabs Seokmin’s attention away from the warm mug in his hands, snapping the memory of the kiss back to the front of his mind.

Seungcheol’s hands stay carefully on his side of the table, though out of the corner of his eye, Seokmin can see him shift forward then pull back. “I didn’t mean to–well, you know.”

Seokmin considers his response before speaking again. “No, I don’t know.”

The things that he does know is how to pull a sigh out of Seungcheol’s mouth, how to make him squirm under his hands. Had Mingyu not interrupted them, would Seungcheol have dove back in for more? A shiver races through his body, and Seokmin hugs his jacket closer to his body. Nothing about it felt like an overstep.

There’s a new kind of tension in the air, more charged than the friendly yet apprehensive distance that used to keep Seokmin holding him at arm’s length. Seungcheol is less than a meter away from him now, but with less warmth in his eyes, he feels like he’s miles away.

“The other day,” Seungcheol squeezes out, still not looking at Seokmin directly. “I think that we shouldn’t have. Um, done that.”

“The you in my lap part?” Seokmin jokes, or tries to. Seungcheol’s cheeks go bright red.

When he speaks again, his voice is stiff and stilted. “I don’t usually do that.”

Seokmin lets out a quiet _oh_ , nodding more to himself than Seungcheol. He takes a big sip of his drink, and it doesn’t burn any less.

“I didn’t mean to imply that was normal. I think,” Seokmin starts carefully. “We were _both_ a little overexcited. I’m not upset about it. We’re both consenting adults and I,” he trails off, not knowing how to finish the sentence. There’s a visible shift in Seungcheol’s posture at that, sitting up straighter and staring at Seokmin inquisitively. “Didn’t mind it.”

Seungcheol quirks an eyebrow but doesn’t push any further. “I think moving forward, it’s better for us to keep our hands on the table, so to speak.”

Seokmin nods, but he does feel a little put out by it. “Sure.”

“What happened was unprofessional, and I’m sorry.”

“Hyung,” Seokmin starts, and there’s a flash of something in Seungcheol’s eyes that he doesn’t know how to place. Expectancy. He doesn’t get what Seungcheol wants him to say, but Seokmin lets out a deep breath.

“Never mind,” he says, ignoring the pang in his chest when Seungcheol deflates. “Thank you for talking to me about it.”

He has no reason to think that Seungcheol _actually_ likes him. Nothing has ever suggested that he did. Seokmin finds himself pulling away from the conversation that Seungcheol tries to kick up until it’s uncomfortable for him to stay in the same room as him.

He excuses himself, giving some bullshit excuse about working in the morning – unlikely now that he’s between clients, he goes into the office later in the day – and Seungcheol seems relieved to be set free himself. It’s a punch in the gut.

On the train, Seokmin flips through the apps on his phone. He doesn't look at what’s on the screen but needs a distraction from the thick lump in his throat, the stinging behind his eyes. Seokmin tries to let the train’s movement shake out the thoughts, but they stick to the corners of his mind like settled glitter in a snowglobe.

He’s not sure what’s worse, unrequited feelings for someone who doesn’t notice or for someone who only sees your relationship as a transaction.

☀︎

Much to Seokmin's annoyance, the notion of a lazy weekend gets squashed by an excited Jeonghan, waking him up at the ass crack of dawn.

“Wake up,” Jeonghan sing-songs, draping his body over Seokmin's still half-asleep form. “We have LEGO cafe reservations, remember?”

He does remember. Seokmin was hoping that Jeonghan would've forgotten.

The LEGO cafe in Hongdae is a favorite spot of Jeonghan’s. For someone who lacks the patience to cook, build furniture, or stay in one place too long, Jeonghan has become adept at building and dismantling a set within the hour-long timeframe the cafe gives. Seokmin likes to come along for the ride and dessert that Jeonghan buys him.

As much as he would prefer to lay in bed and sleep until his feelings stop weighing him down, Seokmin watches Jeonghan piece together a Goofy set, silently handing him pieces as he sips at a black coffee.

Seokmin isn’t a huge fan of the cafe. However, of the many things that have come to belong to Jeonghan and Seokmin _and_ his boyfriend of the month, this place is, and always has been, wholly theirs.

They’ll always be friends, but it won’t be the same after Jeonghan moves out.

Jeonghan makes a little huffy sound, staring at his build before his gaze darts up.

“Hey,” he says, snapping Seokmin out of his trance.

Seokmin grunts in response. “Hey yourself.”

Jeonghan sets down the L-shaped piece in his hand and reaches out across the table. Seokmin pushes his gelato over, but Jeonghan rolls his eyes.

“No, your _hand_ , idiot.” Seokmin rolls his eyes, but takes his hand. Jeonghan’s fingers are long and thin like his but twice as knobby, sturdy little twigs in his grasp that squeeze tight.

“I need to meet your boyfriend.”

Seokmin scoffs, trying to yank his hand away. Jeonghan squeezes tighter, and Seokmin hisses. “You two _dated_.”

“Yeah, but like, in the context of being _your_ boyfriend,” Jeonghan says, loosening up his grip. “What, you afraid I’m gonna find out you paid him to go on dates with you?”

Seokmin goes perfectly still. His tongue is heavy in his mouth, and suddenly Seokmin’s eyes feel like sandpaper, every swallow like shards of glass in his throat.

Jeonghan found out. Of course, Jeonghan would find out, why did he think he’d ever–

“God, you look like you've seen a ghost. I’m kidding," Jeonghan cackles, relaxing back into his seat.

Seokmin lets himself laugh with him, but he can still taste bile at the back of his throat.

“Mingyu said he looked _smitten_ with you at dinner,” Jeonghan continues with a shrug. "I just wanna see you be happy with my own two eyes, is all."

☀︎

Seokmin gets in from work later than late on Monday. He had overslept his alarm and volunteered to stay after to make up for the lost time.

The apartment is silent and a little barer than it was when he left, a sign that Mingyu and Jeonghan had been by to start moving more things over. Sadness bubbles up inside of him at the thought, toeing his shoes off at the door before walking into the living room.

On the coffee table, there’s a bouquet of orange chrysanthemums. He doesn’t have to look at the card to know who they’re from, but Seokmin’s fingers pinch around it anyway. He leaves the flowers on the counter, tucking the card into his pocket until he’s safely back in his room.

The date with Jeonghan and Mingyu went surprisingly well, he thinks, setting his bag at the door before shuffling into the bathroom. Mingyu and Seungcheol had almost instantly bonded, and Jeonghan seemed to enjoy having his company.

“I haven’t spoken to him in a long time, so this is nice,” Jeonghan had said, leaning into Seokmin at one point. At the end of the night, they had stopped at a video arcade. Seungcheol had wiped the floor with Mingyu at _Pump It Up!_ , much to everyone’s amusement.

Well, everyone’s amusement, but Mingyu.

Chalk it up to Mingyu’s competitive streak to be the reason they ended up staying out later than needed.

Getting ready goes by in a tedious haze, like moving in slow motion through syrup. As Seokmin goes through the steps of his nightly routine, he gives the night before more thought. About watching Seungcheol and Jeonghan bounce off each other with ease. There's so much history between the two he'll never be privy to, but he caught glimpses of their past life in watching them riff at dinner. For a fleeting moment, he didn’t know who of the two he was more jealous of.

Once he’s completed every step of his skincare routine and set his phone on the charger, Seokmin reaches for the jeans he wore that day, draped across the back of his desk chair.

His heart is pounding.

He gets a flash of the night before, of Seungcheol stopping him before he took the first step to disappear downstairs to the subway.

“Seokmin-ah," Seungcheol called. He can still see him, standing at the top of the stairs, with Seokmin two steps down. Looking up at Seungcheol, Seungcheol staring down at him.

"Do you ever wish you had met someone at a different point in their life?”

Seokmin had thought about Jeonghan, the person he used to be and who he is now. He thinks about Sana, Soonyoung, even Jaehyun. The ways that they’ve grown together and grown stronger as friends. His developing friendship with Wonwoo.

His friendships with them wouldn't be as strong as they are had he not met them at the right time. His friendships with them would carry different baggage.

And finally, the way he feels about Seungcheol.

Had he met Seungcheol any other way, would things have been different?

“All the time,” Seokmin said, a little more wistful.

For the first time in a long while, a new spark burned in Seungcheol’s eyes. Before he could ask what he meant by asking that, Seungcheol had already walked away, disappearing into the crowd.

_To Seokmin –  
Partners in crime.  
Thanks for making the last month an adventure.  
Seungcheol xx_

☀︎

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *jazz hands*  
>   
> AMA on [cc](http://curiouscat.qa/infrequenced) // [dw](https://infrequencies.dreamwidth.org/)


	5. we instead got used to hunger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from the same poem the fic title is from, "ok i'm finally ready to say sorry for that one summer." 

_ isn’t it funny how silence can undress two bodies & press them into each other?  _   
_ –hanif abdurraqib _

* * *

to: choi seungcheol  
thank u for the flowers  
u really didn’t have to

from: choi seungcheol  
glad u liked them :)  
so 2 october huh  
that’s so soon

to: choi seungcheol  
so happy it’s just dinner this time  
almost no one can make it this year  
and hyung refuses to reschedule

from: choi seungcheol  
so... who all is coming again?  
jk jk!! see you soon  
happy chuseok

to: choi seungcheol  
-___- thanks u too  
(DRAFT) i’ll miss you, hyung.

☀︎

Jeonghan’s move is becoming too much of a pain to deal with, especially now that he's made his problems Seokmin's problem.

The Thursday before Chuseok, Jeonghan decided to pick a fight with Mingyu ten minutes before Seokmin’s alarm went off over _packing methods_ , dramatically calling off the move, and sulking around the apartment all morning.

By the time Seokmin had gotten back in from drinks with coworkers, he could hear the two of them having loud makeup sex.

He’s never been so thankful for the invention of headphones, automatic timers, and recorded sounds of the ocean. Seokmin would take the sound of an ocean liner’s horn over the smack of a loosened headboard against the wall any day of the week.

Mingyu had taken it upon himself to make Seokmin breakfast _and_ lunch as a peace offering the next morning, a kindness he accepted happily but found unnecessary. Any sort of loving feelings toward Jeonghan has all but evaporated in the process. From figuring out what stays and what goes to disagreeing on who keeps what furniture and other little logistic issues, Jeonghan has started to work on Seokmin’s last nerves.

”You can’t say that you’re keeping all of it because you _fucked_ on it, not when I paid for half of the sectional,” Seokmin had said, irritation reaching a breaking point.

Jeonghan had shrugged. “So we’ll put a pin in that discussion for now,” he said before continuing onto the next item on his list.

Not able to take any more of it, Seokmin chose to escape to Mapo-gu to be with his family early Sunday morning.

Now, with a box of pears under his arm, Seokmin kind of wishes he’d left a little bit kinder. It’s a peace offering a little too late.

Chuseok passed by swiftly, mostly without a hitch. That is, until his mother had asked about his dating life. Seokmin supposes that’s the consequence of having public social media where his sister can see everything and report back to his parents. But the question still burned, the first shot of soju going down.

“Ah, mom,” Seokmin had laughed, pinching his sister under the table. “No need to worry about me! We’re just having fun.”

Seungcheol had only sent two texts the entire holiday: to confirm Jeonghan’s birthday dinner address and wish him a happy Chuseok again.

He wonders if Seungcheol had fielded the same questions that Seokmin had about his personal life, or if he’s out at all to his family in Daegu.

It’s funny how someone can integrate themselves so easily into your life, all while knowing so little about them. How can Seokmin like someone who he barely knows anything about?

Not that he’ll ever get the opportunity to learn things about Seungcheol now, with the upcoming end date of their arrangement on the horizon.

Seokmin punches in the door code and lets himself into the apartment, nearly stumbling over his own two feet. After kicking his shoes off and setting the pears on the counter, he notices the sectional still sitting in the living room.

Looks like Jeonghan had decided to leave him with something after all.

☀︎

“Soonyoung hyung, there’s no way in hell that milk tastes anything but scalded,” Seokmin scolds. They’re at a coffee class tonight, and he could hear Soonyoung’s pitcher screaming from the restroom. Sure enough, when he reaches over to pat the pitcher with the back of his hand, it’s too hot to touch.

Every year, Seokmin enrolls in a barista skills class managed by the Specialty Coffee Association of Seoul to keep his skills fresh as insurance. He’s more than sure he’s made himself invaluable at his current job, but sometimes he misses being behind a bar counter. It doesn’t hurt to renew skills and maybe pick up something new.

This year, Soonyoung had insisted on coming along, even paying for both of their entry fees.

And it’s not that Seokmin doesn’t adore his hyung and think that he’s incredibly talented at so many other things. It’s that he knows that being a barista is not on Soonyoung’s horizon. Not without forcing a shop to close its doors forever.

Soonyoung turns the steam wand switch off, slamming the pitcher down against the counter. There’s spillage over the sides, staining the cuffs of his long-sleeve shirt. The milk foam gathers in a thick, sickly sweet smelling cluster, and Soonyoung shows Seokmin with a bright grin. Seokmin’s stomach turns.

“Please dump that,” he begs, weak. The smell of burned milk has seeped into Seokmin’s nostrils and clothing, and he’s dreading the taste test portion of this. Soonyoung does not dump the milk, choosing to pour it into Seokmin’s perfect espresso shot, disturbing the crema, both literally and metaphorically.

The milk foam sits in a stiff, sulfurous blob on top of the cup, and Soonyoung shows it off to him proudly.

He nods sagely, takes a big sip, and passes it off to Seokmin. “I think I did okay.”

Seokmin takes a baby sip and immediately makes a face. Okay is not even in the ballpark of what this is.

Soonyoung grins up at him expectantly. “Well? How does it taste?”

“Like you should stick to your day job and never do this again.”

With assistance, Soonyoung _does_ get significantly better as the class progresses. He’s able to pour a decent Monk’s Head by the end of the course _and_ manages to make a drink that doesn’t make Seokmin want to cry.

“See?” Soonyoung practically exudes smugness, ducking into a booth across the coffee shop. “You had such little faith in your hyung, and all I needed was some help.”

Seokmin grunts in response. He pulls out the chair across from Soonyoung. It’s been years since he’s consumed this much caffeine, and he feels a little sick.

Soonyoung catches him up on his week; he wasn’t able to head home for the holiday, but he spent Chuseok with Wonwoo’s family and some coworkers. He launches into a ridiculous story that involved songpyeon, two of Wonwoo’s cousins, and a now-persistent stomach ache.

“It was worth it, though,” he sighs, and Seokmin stares at him, a little incredulous.

“Why am I friends with you?”

“Because hyung adds excitement to your life,” Soonyoung chirps sweetly, then rolls his eyes. “Anyway, I need to tell you something.”

“I wouldn’t call your presence excitement so much as I’d call it a headache,” Seokmin snipes, but there’s no heat in it.

Soonyoung holds his hand over his heart at his words. “You wound me, Seokmin-ah.”

Childishly, Seokmin steps on his toe under the table, laughing when Soonyoung kicks out.

“Stop! I’m trying to tell you Wonwoo said Seungcheol showed up at the PC bang with a date. Like a real one,” Soonyoung says, kicking his feet onto the chair next to Seokmin.

Seokmin shakes around the ice at the bottom of his cup. Considering that they’re not dating, the news of Seungcheol on a real date before their arrangement even ended shouldn’t be surprising.

The caffeine in his body jolts through his bloodstream and straight to his heart, now picking up the pace. Seokmin stares down at Soonyoung’s fists on the table, then back up at him.

“Okay, good for him,” he says through a fake smile. “Why would you tell me that?” he tries to say it evenly, but it comes out sharp.

“Okay, no need to be aggressive. I'm telling you what Wonwoo told me.”

“I know, it’s. Whatever.” Seokmin says, bringing the straw back up to his lips and slurps loudly at the empty cup before dropping it back down to the table. Seokmin doesn’t mean to get agitated with Soonyoung. He tries to steady his breathing, leaning back in his chair.

Soonyoung stares at Seokmin, more curious than annoyed. “Okay, what’s up with you? You’ve been _super_ aggravated with everyone for like, two weeks. Jeonghan hyung said you left in a huff before Chuseok.”

He’d spoken to Jeonghan the night after to catch up and apologize. For a brief moment, Seokmin had considered telling Jeonghan everything. The whole truth, but decided against it. There’s no need to be kicked more while he’s down.

Seokmin drags a finger through the condensation on the table. He starts drawing shapes, letters, names, anything to get his mind off the crushing blow.

“Nothing.”

“You wear your emotions on your face, Seokmin-ah,” Soonyoung says softly. His cell phone is face down on the table now, showing off a photo strip of himself and Wonwoo. They’re smiling big in every snapshot, Soonyoung bright red in the bottom frame where Wonwoo kisses his cheek.

Seokmin doesn’t respond to Soonyoung’s observation, staring at the photo strip before finally pulling his gaze away.

“I’m sad it’s almost over,” he admits at last. Seokmin feels like a deflated balloon when he thinks about Jeonghan’s birthday. For the first time in a long time, it has nothing to do with Jeonghan himself.

☀︎

Insadong is always crowded on a Friday night, but Seokmin had resolved himself to get one of Jeonghan’s birthday presents out of the way before the weekend was over.

When he was younger, Seokmin used to love coming to Insadong with his sister, thrilled to watch street performers on their way to the Folk Museum, hands sticky from ice cream bought at a vendor along the main strip.

Now, as an adult, he comes here less than he ever thought he would, only coming down with Jeonghan or Sana to visit one of the many teahouses.

When he gets off the train and onto street level, he’s unsurprised to see the streets crowded, jam-packed with tourists and shoppers alike. He manages to make it to the tea shop that carries the blend of tea that Jeonghan favors in a short trek, but just his luck.

They’re closed on Fridays.

So much for getting his birthday present today.

Seokmin meanders around the neighborhood for a little while, ducking into a cafe off a quiet side street. It’s not like he can’t just get on a train to go back home, but coming all this way just to leave empty-handed feels too much like defeat.

He scrolls through his phone for a little bit, scrolling through his messages in KaTalk. He has texts from Sana and Jaehyun in their group chat with pictures from Osaka that are still unread and a couple of unreads from Jeonghan.

His finger hovers over Seungcheol’s name for a minute, reading back their last text messages. The flowers he sent are still in a vase on his desk. In a moment of weakness, Seokmin had gone down a rabbit hole on the language of flowers and let himself think that Seungcheol maybe–

Seungcheol answers on the second ring with a muffled “h’llo.” He sounds like he’d been sleeping, and Seokmin gets a very unfair vision of him sleep-ruffled, hair sticking up everywhere, face swollen. Gross.

“Hi,” Seokmin chokes out, “Um, I don’t know why I called you when I could’ve just texted but– I’m out and about and wanted to know if you wanted to get dinner with me?”

On Seungcheol’s end, there’s a shuffling noise, like bedsheets moving around.

“Did I wake you?” Seokmin asks, stomach swooping.

Seungcheol makes a sound like he’s stretching, then there’s movement again. “Yeah, sorry. I’d be down for dinner. Where are you?”

Seokmin glances around until he finds a landmark that looks familiar. “I was in Insadong, but now I’m a little ways out.” He tells him the street name, and Seungcheol makes a noise of recognition.

“You’re near my neighborhood.”

Seokmin blinks. He never knew where Seungcheol lived. It never was important enough to ask. “Oh.”

“I’ll send you my address if you wanna come here to drop your things off, and we can head to dinner together?” Seungcheol asks around a yawn, and Seokmin nods to the air before responding.

“Sure.”

“Just text me, I’ll come down to let you in.”

“Okay, hyung,” he replies, feeling like his dumb luck is finally tilting in his favor.

There’s more movement on Seungcheol’s end. He yawns into the line and finally speaks again.

“See you shortly,” he says, sounding less muffled. “And Seokmin-ah?”

“Hm?”

“I’m glad you called. I’ve missed your voice.”

☀︎

Seungcheol’s apartment is a cozy studio on the third floor of a newer apartment building in Jongno-gu. He meets Seokmin in front of the building in an oversized black hoodie and shorts. Still a little sleep rumpled, like Seokmin had imagined he would be.

“I took a nap after my class,” Seungcheol explains, leading Seokmin up the steps. “I’m still waking up, but you can just chill on the couch while I change clothes if that’s okay?”

He feels awkward in Seungcheol’s home, seeing all the pieces of his life he didn’t know existed. There are trophies scattered across the shelves, photos of himself with people he doesn’t recognize, smiling big in dobok next to a woman who must be his mother.

“You did Taekwondo?” he calls, staring at the photo frame.

“Yeah,” he calls from the other room. “I quit before grad school, though.”

Seungcheol comes out of the bedroom dressed in a dark fitted t-shirt and jeans. It’s with some shame that Seokmin recognizes the jeans from the day Seungcheol kissed him, eyes catching on the way they hug his thighs as he walks. Seokmin still remembers how his body feels in his lap.

Seungcheol rifles through a cabinet near the door, grabbing an umbrella and raincoat.

“It’s supposed to rain,” he says, holding the umbrella out to Seokmin. “I know a great dumpling spot if that’s okay with you?”

“Yeah,” Seokmin smiles, pointedly staring at Seungcheol’s face. “Dumplings are fine.”

They make small talk on the way to the restaurant, conversation drifting toward their workweeks. Seungcheol chatters about an upcoming field trip with his kids with so much fondness that makes Seokmin’s chest hurt with a different kind of affection.

“I’ve said this before, but you seem like you’re a great teacher.”

“Thanks,” Seungcheol says, deeply sincere. “I do my best.”

The small talk dies out as they get seated inside the restaurant, only picking back up when Seungcheol offers to order for both of them.

“I promise I won’t feed you something gross,” Seungcheol vows, crossing his heart. They toast with soju before eating, and the quiet that falls over them this time isn’t uncomfortable like it was in the dessert shop. It’s amicable, from Seungcheol’s less rigid posture to the dimpled smile that meets his eyes.

“So,” Seokmin says, raising his soup spoon to his lips. “What’s next for you after–” he cuts himself off, opting to take another bite of food instead of finishing the sentence.

 _What’s next for you after me_ feels too inappropriate to say, but Seungcheol seems to catch the implication, his expression inscrutable.

“I got a job offer at a new school,” he says after a beat, “It pays a hell of a lot better than my current job, and they’re willing to work with my schedule.”

Seokmin swallows hard, eyes going wide. “Hyung, that’s great! Congratulations!”

“Yeah, I’ve been so busy working on transitioning out of my current job and with grad school that I haven’t had much time for anything else,” he says around a mouthful of food, implication weighing heavy on Seokmin.

He doesn’t push it, just nods and thanks Seungcheol for paying for the meal.

“Of course. Anytime.”

Sure enough, Seungcheol’s call that it’d rain ends up being correct, and then some. The walk back to Seungcheol’s apartment is _wet_ and miserable.

Even with an umbrella, Seokmin’s clothes get soaked through, enough that Seungcheol insists on giving him dry clothes to wear.

“Aish, you got the worst of it, huh?”

Seokmin stares up at Seungcheol from the couch, meeting his amused expression with a blank stare. “Something like that.”

By the time his clothes have finished drying, the rain hasn’t stopped; both their phones alert them of a flash flood warning about halfway through the movie they decided to watch, and Seokmin groans. At least he doesn’t have anywhere to be tomorrow.

“It’s not gonna let up until the morning,” Seungcheol remarks. “It’s a mess out there. You can just stay here if you want.”

“Hyung, I don’t wanna–”

“Please. I insist.”

“Are you sure?”

Something like hurt flickers over Seungcheol’s face, but it’s gone before Seokmin can focus on it.

“Fine,” Seokmin agrees, ignoring the butterflies in his stomach. “I’ll stay.”

Relief settles on Seungcheol’s face. “I was hoping you would.”

Seungcheol excuses himself and disappears into the bathroom, and Seokmin starts to send Jeonghan a message to let him know that he’s not coming home, then remembers that Jeonghan doesn’t live with him anymore.

If Seokmin thought that a sleep-ruffled Seungcheol was a gut punch, it’s nothing compared to a freshly showered Seungcheol in grey sweatpants. He dabs at his damp hair with a towel when he flops down onto the couch next to Seokmin.

“I have blankets in the cabinet on the left,” he says and pats the couch. “This folds out, and when you leave in the morning, just leave it out. I’m gonna wash the sheets first.” Seokmin nods, numb, staring at Seungcheol but not seeing.

He thinks hard about what he wants to say next, but his mouth moves before he can fully process the thought.

“Is your new partner gonna be upset I’m here?” Seokmin asks, not able to help himself.

Seungcheol stares at him in confusion, a sentence forming on his lips before recognition dawns on him. “Ah. Wonwoo.”

“I just don’t want there to be a problem,” Seokmin explains.

Seungcheol snorts, “I’m not seeing anyone right now.”

Seungcheol looks at Seokmin with that same guarded expression from before but peeks of something crumble the brick wall. Apprehensiveness.

“Seokmin,” and it comes out so soft and barely-there that Seokmin isn’t sure that he even heard him. Seungcheol looks over his shoulder, not quite able to look Seokmin in the eyes.

“I put distance between us because I wasn’t sure if you felt the way I did. The way I do.”

Seokmin swallows hard but lets Seungcheol continue.

“I think I fall a little bit in love with everyone when I do, you know. That’s why I set boundaries for myself. And you were just so easy to like that I had to reevaluate my feelings and step back. I went on a date, just to see if I’d feel the same way, and I didn’t. Because they weren’t you,” Seungcheol says, gaze dropping down to palms. “So I owe you an apology.”

“What are you sorry for?” Seokmin asks. Nothing Seungcheol has said so far feels real, and he needs to hear him say it to make it real.

Seungcheol opens his mouth, closes it, piecing the words together in his mind before he continues.

“I felt like I was rude to you,” he says. “And I was, but I didn’t know how to apologize, so I sent those flowers, but I should’ve texted you or made some excuse to come see you, but.”

Seokmin closes the gap between them finally, reaching his hand out for Seungcheol. “I’m here now.”

“You’re here now,” Seungcheol agrees, staring at their hands. He lets go after a moment, and Seokmin’s heart sinks for a minute, then Seungcheol is walking on his knees towards him.

“Hey,” Seungcheol breathes, hands coming up to cup his face. His fingers are a little calloused, warm on Seokmin’s face. “Look at me?”

His thumbs smooth over the peaks of Seokmin’s cheekbones. The room is silent save for the sound of Seokmin’s breathing, his pulse rushing in his ears, almost missing what Seungcheol says next.

“I need you to understand that if I kiss you now, our arrangement ends now.”

Seokmin’s eyes go wide. “Hyung–“ he starts to protest, but Seungcheol shushes him before continuing.

“Our arrangement is over,” he says again, this time with a little more conviction. Seungcheol’s brows furrow together. His gaze flickers from Seokmin’s eyes down to Seokmin’s lips.

“Because I like you too much to keep on pretending like I’m okay with only being your fake boyfriend.”

It comes out in one exhale, so quickly that Seokmin isn’t sure that he’s heard Seungcheol correctly.

Seungcheol settles himself in Seokmin’s lap. The alcohol from dinner has long since burned out of Seokmin’s system, but something kicks in with Seungcheol so close. The first strike of a match.

“Seokmin,” Seungcheol says his name gently, his mouth forming it like a benediction. His expression has something curling around in Seokmin’s chest and squeezing tight.

“Seungcheol hyung.”

Seungcheol’s palms are surprisingly sweaty, but the words to tease evaporate before he can even form them. Seokmin tilts his face up, waiting. Expectant.

“I’ve wanted to do this for real for a while.”

Seokmin’s breath comes out in a ragged shudder. He feels warm all over, cold in the places where Seungcheol’s body isn’t touching his. He wants Seungcheol to touch him everywhere, to fan the flames that have been burning slow under his skin for weeks now.

“Do it then,” he challenges, licking his lips. He doesn’t break eye contact, but Seungcheol does first, flicking down to watch his tongue poke out before tracing his thumb along the perfect dip of Seokmin’s Cupid’s bow.

And then he dives in, insistent mouth slotting over Seokmin’s.

With nothing holding them back, Seungcheol’s kisses are more urgent, more teeth, more tongue. Traces of soju still cling to his tongue when it presses inside Seokmin’s mouth, massaging over his own. Fingers through thick hair, giving as much as he gets.

It feels torturous to pull away, but Seungcheol’s eyes are wild, and his cheeks are flushed, and it’s the loveliest sight he’s ever seen. He half-expects Seungcheol to take charge here, but he lets Seokmin take the lead on what comes next.

“What do you want?” he asks, mouth on his throat. Seokmin hums. His eyes stay shut like he’s trying to memorize the shapes his lips make—squares, tiny nips that form points of heat and light right over his pulse.

“I want…”

With Seungcheol’s heavy gaze on him, he feels like he can’t breathe. “I want you.”

“You can have me,” Seungcheol says, earnest, always too earnest for the moment. “All of me if you want it.”

He slides off of his body, then, and Seokmin opens his mouth to protest, but it immediately dies on his lips at the first flash of skin. Seungcheol’s shirt is on the floor, and his hands are at his waist with thumbs hooked inside the band of his sweatpants, and he has the nerve to ask, “Is this okay?” like he doesn’t know that this is the most okay Seokmin has ever experienced since they first kissed weeks ago in his room.

Seokmin nods, staring up at him with hunger in his eyes. Want unspools in his chest, burning hot. His legs are shaky when he stands, but Seungcheol steadies him with a firm hand on his hip, squeezing.

Seokmin wants to kiss Seungcheol again, so he does. And it’s good. So good.

Seungcheol leans up into him on instinct, and Seokmin drinks in the sounds while thinking of ways to pull out noises he’s never heard him make. He wants to keep exploring that, a timid hand on Seungcheol’s chest, the blunt of his fingertips over the bud of his nipples, only stopping when Seungcheol tugs at his hair with insistence.

“Clothes off, now,” Seungcheol instructs. Seokmin obliges quickly, letting Seungcheol lead him towards his bed.

It’s not long until they’re skin to skin, nothing between them and Seungcheol hovering over him. Seungcheol looks down at him with an expression that Seokmin’s sure he mirrors, wide-eyed wonder.

“You’re,” Seokmin swallows hard, committing his body to memory. Fingertips on his chest, tracing lower and lower. Taking in the places he wants to touch most. “Beautiful,” he finishes, and pink dusts Seungcheol’s cheeks.

“Yeah, well,” he says, staring at Seokmin with open want. “You’re one to talk.”

Seokmin doesn’t know where to rest his eyes first, taking in the little moles on his skin. The shiny silver of a scar on his left pectoral. The soft dusting of hair that he desperately wants to follow with his hungry mouth. The insistent heat of his erection brushing against his stomach when Seungcheol leans down to kiss him.

His skin feels hot all over, hotter in the places where Seungcheol touches with his fingers and mouth. Urgent and seeking, touching every inch of skin and following it with his tongue.

Down his sternum, hand over Seokmin’s beating heart, and further down.

“Wanna blow you,” Seungcheol says into the jut of his hipbone. Seokmin nods, dazed.

His mouth skims the inside of Seokmin's tensed thigh, massaging the muscle under his thumbs. Seokmin's body feels overcharged, thrumming with static electricity.

"Is that okay?"

 _More than,_ he wants to say, feeling his erection pulse under the press of a warm hand. _So okay,_ he wants to say, _I get myself off to the thought of this._

What he says instead is, “I don’t know… I mean, I haven’t ever–“

Seungcheol pauses, eyes wide. He looks a little awed. Seokmin very much wants the ground to open up and swallow him whole.

“I just never–“ He tries again, throat suddenly dry, blinking fast. He’s never felt uncomfortable in his body like this, so quickly, so aware of how naked he is under Seungcheol’s hands.

Seungcheol doesn’t prod. He’s never seemed like the type to do so, and when he sits back, he tilts Seokmin’s face up towards his.

“We don’t have to keep going if you want to stop,” he says.

Seokmin’s pulse thrums. His breathing wavers and Seungcheol’s thumb swipes along his lower lip. He kisses the pad of Seungcheol’s finger, eyes fluttering shut. “I wanna keep going.”

Seungcheol lets out a sharp inhale, shaky as Seokmin feels, but he’s silent as he continues.

“I’ve thought about you touching me like this since the first time we kissed,” Seokmin admits softly. He’s greeted with the sight of Seungcheol’s red face when he opens his eyes again. It’s only another breath before his mouth is back on Seokmin's.

“You’re so sweet,” he mumbles against Seokmin’s lips, hand tracing a line up his thigh, hand circling his cock. Seokmin whines, tilting his hips into the strokes. Seungcheol’s mouth trails back down, leaving marks on his chest, a heated kisses on his stomach, hips, lower. “Wanted this, too.”

He pushes Seokmin’s legs further apart, hands skimming to the outside of his thighs. Seungcheol peeks up, eyes hooded, and Seokmin’s stomach flips. His hands sink into Seungcheol's hair, pushing it out of his face so he can see.

"Tell me if it's too much,” Seungcheol smiles. Whatever Seokmin thought to respond with dies on his lips the moment Seungcheol’s tongue laves over the crown of his dick.

His tongue slides down to the base of his cock, mouth following with it until Seokmin hits the back of his throat. Seungcheol swallows around him and Seokmin feels the static kick up under his skin. It's better than he ever imagined it being, Seungcheol's fingers digging into the meat of his thighs, nose pressed into his pubic hair, tight and wet and perfect.

“Ah,” he hisses out, hand in Seungcheol’s hair tightening. He wills himself to loosen up, to grasp at the sheets, the pillow under his head, anything as tight as he needs. Seungcheol’s hand comes up to hold his cock steady, the other hand moving further south, thumb pressed against his perineum.

Seungcheol pulls off briefly to stroke Seokmin’s cock with a wet fist, eyes back on his. “You can pull harder,” he tells Seokmin, resting his chin on his stomach, kissing the trail of hair before mouthing south again. Seokmin gets a brief flash of their first kiss, of Seungcheol whining in his lap at the gentle tug.

“Okay,” Seokmin replies, throat dry. Seokmin grabs at Seungcheol’s hair with a sharp moan and the warm puff of air from Seungcheol’s laugh makes him squirm.

The slide starts to feel dry and uncomfortable, but Seungcheol’s mouth returns home, back on his cock, the sound loud and messy. Seokmin’s hips kick up, overwhelmed at the feeling of each exhale and moan that escapes from underneath him. The sound of ragged breathing fills the room, and it takes Seokmin a long moment to recognize it as his own.

“Feel good?” Seungcheol asks, voice rough as he pulls off, covering Seokmin’s body with his own again. Seokmin nods, mouthing at Seungcheol’s throat.

A thumb flicks over the head of Seokmin’s dick, praise burning into his skin like a brand. “Doing so good for me,” Seungcheol mumbles, kissing at his clavicle. Seungcheol’s head turns up, looking at Seokmin until he makes eye contact.

“Can I finger you?”

Seokmin nods tightly. Seungcheol laughs, a bright sound, before stumbling off the bed to go rifle through his drawers for lube.

The bed dips under his weight when he climbs back over Seokmin, bottle clicking open, and Seokmin keeps his eyes closed, an arm thrown over his eyes for good measure.

Seungcheol makes a soft noise, kneeing Seokmin’s legs apart again. “Hey. Look at me.”

A finger pushes in, shallow and painfully slow, and Seokmin’s body raises with it. “Relax, baby.”

Seokmin keens when his finger pushes all the way in, willing himself to relax his muscles and let himself feel. “Trying.”

Seungcheol's fingers feel better than his own, thicker, and makes him feel full faster. It takes a minute for Seokmin to warm up to it, and when he does, he’s loud, fucking himself onto Seungcheol’s fingers, now up to two. Seokmin can hear his voice get higher, whimpering into Seungcheol’s mouth as his other hand wraps around him again.

“You wanna come like this? Where do you want my mouth?”

Seokmin pulling Seungcheol back up to kiss him is answer enough.

It’s messy and awkward fumbling, and Seungcheol’s cock brushes against his as he moves, muttering praise into his ear.

Seokmin comes with stars in his eyes, hard and messy white streaks on his stomach, with Seungcheol’s mouth on his.

“Did so good, Seokminie,” Seungcheol says against his lips, kissing him again and again. The butterflies in his stomach turn into champagne bubbles, adrenaline spilling over the edge as he rolls Seungcheol onto his back.

“Your turn, hyung,” he says, kissing his way down.

It’s embarrassing how much of a turn on it is for Seokmin, thinking about the things he wants to do for him, do with him. Seungcheol’s hands find their way into his hair, not tugging as hard as Seokmin, but enough that he works through the jaw pain until Seungcheol comes.

“Never met someone so willing to swallow their first time,” Seungcheol says later, staring at the ceiling.

Seokmin snorts, rolling over to kiss him again.

“Wanted to do it,” he says into Seungcheol’s shoulder. He still feels sweaty, sticky, and they need to shower, but Seungcheol tilts his face up and kisses him until he can’t breathe.

"Guess I'm lucky that you're mine."

Seokmin likes how the word “mine” sounds from Seungcheol, curling around him and pulling him in. Satiation covers them like smoke from a doused campfire.

☀︎

Seungcheol drifts off to sleep first, but Seokmin shakes him back awake after some minutes, dragging him into the shower.

They stay in the shower until the mirror fogs and the water runs cold. Seokmin's lips are numb from kissing, but he's warm. So warm.

Later, when they’re curled in on each other and skin to skin again, Seungcheol says something muffled into the alcove between their bodies that doesn’t quite meet Seokmin's ears.

Seokmin is half asleep and almost misses it, but when he asks Seungcheol to repeat, he kisses the center of his chest, the expanse of skin over his heart, and tells him to go to sleep.

☀︎

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)  
>   
> [cc](http://curiouscat.qa/infrequenced) // [dw](https://infrequencies.dreamwidth.org/)


	6. air to my lungs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from "crystal clear" by hayley williams -
>
>> "And now you're pumpin' air to my lungs / This don't feel anything like sinking / In fact, no matter how deep I go / Into you it looks like the water is crystal clear (won't give into the fear)" 
> 
> crystal clear (won't give into the fear) was the original working title for this fic so it Matters to me

☀︎

The rain lasts all weekend long. Nowhere near as heavy as the rain that kept Seokmin from leaving the apartment in the first place, but persistent enough that leaving the warmth of Seungcheol’s bed feels like a bad idea.

They spend the entire weekend in, trading secrets between the sheets, exchanging breaths as they make up for lost time.

Eventually, they do come up for air, finally making it to the tea shop to get Jeonghan’s gift on Seokmin’s way out.

Seungcheol walks him to the train station. It's difficult to say goodbye but they manage.

Seokmin feels buoyant the whole train ride home.

Jeonghan is at the apartment when he comes back, sitting on the couch with his laptop open but says nothing as Seokmin walks in the door, dropping his things off in his room. He feels awkward leaving Jeonghan out in the living room now that he’s technically a _guest_ , so he gets changed and shuffles back out to sit with him.

He greets Seokmin with an indecipherable expression, eyes flitting from his face, down, before turning away to whatever he was doing before. Seokmin sits on the other section of the couch. A movie plays in the background, volume cut low for whatever reason. The silence between them is heavy and based on Jeonghan’s posture, he knows that he’s waiting to say _something_.

Tired of waiting, Seokmin finally reaches out for the remote. Just as his fingers close around the hard plastic, Jeonghan asks, “So, are you two together for real now, or do I have to stage an intervention?”

Seokmin freezes in place, peering at Jeonghan from the corner of his eye. Embarrassment creeps over him like a slow pour, steady and beating over his head. Jeonghan doesn't look up from his laptop.

“The only reason I won’t give him the shovel talk is because I _know_ him,” Jeonghan continues, giving him a knowing look. “But I’m happy for the both of you. Finally.”

He’ll never let Seokmin live this one down. but Jeonghan leaves the apartment with a smile on his face.

☀︎

Jeonghan moves party locations at the last minute to a rooftop bar in Hongdae. Seokmin finds out over a phone call, minutes after stepping out from work that Friday.

“They have all-you-can-drink specials,” Jeonghan pouted, as if that was reason enough to move from a nice restaurant to an outdoor venue in October. As if Jeonghan even drinks much at all.

Seungcheol lets out a weary but fond sigh when Seokmin calls to tell him the news. He’ll be running late, but he's unsurprised to hear about the update. “Classic Jeonghan.”

Seokmin ends up arriving a little early but still made late after running into Sana’s friend Chris on the second floor of the bar. Each floor of the building has a different theme, and the second floor has more of a lounge setting, with comfortable couches for patrons. Chris looks particularly cozy with a willowy blond who eyes Seokmin with curiosity as he approaches.

“Oh, Lee Seokmin-ssi, hi!” Chris greets, glancing from him back to his acquaintance with enough nervous energy that he feels a pulse of anxiety just from being near him. “Um, this is my friend, Hwang Hyunjin. Hyunjin-ah, Seokmin-ssi is good friends with Sana noona.”

“Nice to meet you, Lee Seokmin-ssi,” Hyunjin says, polite enough for social standards, but he can hear the dismissal in his voice before Hyunjin turns his owlish gaze back onto Chris.

He looks at Chris the way Jeonghan looks at Mingyu before they disappear into the bedroom.

He makes a note to ask Sana about them later.

The rooftop is partially covered, with heat lamps conveniently spread between the tables. He recognizes a decent handful of the guests as he scans the crowd, eyes finally landing on Jeonghan, who’s staring at Park Jimin with thinly-veiled malice.

“Hi,” Jeonghan says in a fake cheerful voice, walking up to greet Seokmin with a hug. Every inch of his body screams _upset_ and _annoyed_.

“Who the fuck invited _Jimin_ ,” he sneers into his ear. And there it is. Seokmin wishes he couldn’t believe he’s still keeping up that one-sided feud, but at his core, Jeonghan is petty.

Jeonghan’s posture bristles when he goes up to greet Jimin, who hugs him warmly. Shaking his head, Seokmin beelines to the bar to grab a beer. It’s only a matter of time until Jeonghan loosens up and remembers that he doesn’t actually dislike Jimin for any real reason. Sure enough, only thirty minutes later, Jeonghan is hugging him like an old friend after winning a round of beer pong. People get older but some things never change.

Other familiar faces start to file in as the night progresses. Kim Taehyung shows up to lure Jimin back inside where it's warmer, and Seokmin makes small talk with Johnny Suh at the bar long enough to finesse a free drink out of him. He’s loose with his wallet with a couple drinks in him, much to his acquaintance’s amusement.

“Hyung, where’s Taeyong hyung?” Seokmin asks, clinking his glass against the other man’s – Mark, he learns – bottle.

“No idea!” Johnny says, a touch too loud. His drink sloshes sloppily over the side of the cup and down his fist. Mark makes a nervous face and apologizes to Seokmin before he drags him away to the bathroom, mumbling something that sounds like _daaaang,_ _sloppy hyung_.

There’s no shortage of people that he hasn’t seen in a long while coming in. Seokmin gets sucked into a long discussion with Siyeon about where she takes vocal lessons before Joshua and Shinwon appear to grab her away.

“Sorry, Seokmin-ah,” Joshua swoops in, interrupting her mid-sentence. “There was a last-minute opening, so we gotta go to make this gig. Stop by GBN later if you have time?”

Seokmin sees Jeonghan narrow his eyes suspiciously as Joshua passes, but gives him a tight nod. He doesn’t get their friendship, but they’ve always been freakishly in tune with one another for as long as he’s known them. Joshua yelps on his way out, flipping Jeonghan off. Butt slapper.

Seokmin takes a seat at a high-top over to the left of the bar, staring out at the flock of patrons around him, a mix of locals, tourists, college students, and friends alike. It’s been some time since they’ve all been in one place like this.

He ends up humoring Mingyu for a dance to some poppy American song that he's heard once or twice, laughing as Mingyu shoulder shimmies and grinds against him. Jeonghan rolls his eyes with some weary fondness, kissing Mingyu on the cheek when he comes back to their table.

Maybe Jeonghan was right to switch venues. He doesn’t miss college, but he does miss atmospheres like this.

Soonyoung and Wonwoo end up gravitating towards him after some time. There’s a bottle of water in Soonyoung’s hands – one he doesn’t look happy to be holding – and a beer in Wonwoo’s.

Wonwoo nudges him with the top of his foot as they approach. “Where’s Cheol hyung?”

He glances down at his phone to check the time. _21:34_.

“He said he’d be here around this time,” Seokmin shrugs. Soonyoung takes the empty seat next to him, waving at Hwasa as she walks past. If she notices, she doesn’t wave back.

“How _is_ that going anyway?” Soonyoung asks. Seokmin feels the start of a deep blush creeping up his cheeks.

“Um. Fine.” It's true. It has been fine. More than, really.

Soonyoung opens his mouth to pry a little more, but Seungcheol bounds up to them at that moment. He looks wind-swept, nose pink and cold when it presses against Seokmin's cheek when he swoops down to kiss him hello.

“You left some things at my apartment over the weekend,” Seungcheol says with a frown. He shrugs off his backpack, unzipping it to dig out a gift bag. “Like your birthday gift for Jeonghan.”

Soonyoung doesn’t miss the implication of _over the weekend_ and chokes on his water. Wonwoo snickers at his reaction, thumping him on the back as he coughs.

“Well, I see _now_ how it’s going–”

Wonwoo silences him with a smack across the chest, and Soonyoung puts his hands up in defeat.

“We’ll leave you two lovebirds alone now,” Wonwoo says, tugging Soonyoung until he stands. “C’mon, Hoshi-yah.”

Seungcheol stares off after them for a moment, laughing a little to himself and shaking his head. “They’re something, aren’t they?”

“Yeah,” Seokmin says, not looking at his friends at all. “Something.”

☀︎

from: minatozaki sana  
i’m starting to understand jeonghan hyung  
and his frustrations with u  
B O Y F R I E N D????  
FOR REAL  
and u didn’t SAY anything  
i called u BEFORE the party

to: minatozaki san  
ah fuck  
knew i forgot to tell someone  
love u noona  
...how was ur flight

from: minatozaki sana  
call me later wtf

to: minatozaki sana  
which reminds me…..  
saw ur friend chris  
and his cute new _friend_👅

from: minatozaki sana  
...tell me more  
immediately

☀︎

Mingyu invites them to dinner.

It's their first real date with other people, which feels like a silly observation to have _now_ , two months into a relationship where only three weeks of it have been real.

Seokmin learns that Seungcheol is a worrier, prone to overthinking, and that kissing him quiet gets him out of his head.

They've spent a lot of time kissing lately, and then some.

But when Mingyu asks them to dinner, Seungcheol fusses about wine selection enough that an exasperated Seokmin dusts off a bottle that Jeonghan left behind to bring with them as a housewarming gift. If Jeonghan recognizes the label, he doesn't say anything past, “Oh, my favorite!”

Dinner unsurprisingly goes well. Jeonghan recounts a mortifying story about baby gay Seokmin at his first Pride, and Seungcheol counters with one of what feels like _many_ stories from Jeonghan’s year in Daegu.

Both stories end with Mingyu tearing up from laughter. It's nice, even at Jeonghan and Seokmin's expense.

Later, over washing dishes, Mingyu turns to Seokmin to confess, “I always thought you hated me, so I feel like I was trying to oversell myself to you.”

It's a night of confessions and realizations that make Seokmin think about his relationship in real terms, and what kind of future he wants. Watching Mingyu and Jeonghan push and pull with new eyes plants the seed of a yearning he didn't know existed within.

As he falls asleep in Seungcheol’s bed, Seokmin knows who he wants in his future.

☀︎

The dessert cafe in Seodaemun is almost certainly playing an EDM version of a pansori song to get back at Soonyoung, who despite the set of his jaw, is humming along. Toe-tapping, even.

Sana and Seokmin are sitting shoulder to shoulder, both trying hard to not laugh at the twitching vein in their friend’s forehead.

“I told you, noona,” Seokmin says in a hushed voice, staring directly at Soonyoung as he bites into his eclair. “He cursed it here.”

Sana snickers into her tea.

It's been months since Jeonghan’s party, autumn giving way to a biting, windy winter. Tuesday traditions are harder to keep with this weather, and Sana suggests a coffee shop for next time, one that's closer to campus.

“It’s _not_ cursed,” Soonyoung snipes back, crossing his arms. “They’re just annoyed because Hyunjin gave them laps and I didn’t intervene.”

That grabs Seokmin's attention immediately, swallowing hard. “Hyunjin-ssi? As in Hwang Hyunjin?”

“Yeah,” Soonyoung replies, crossing his arms. “Why?”

Soonyoung had mentioned that the zoo had given him an assistant in the new junior volunteer coordinator, but has never mentioned their name. Finding out Hyunjin’s degrees of separation are fewer than he thought is...interesting.

“We’ll table that one for later,” Seokmin says, clearing his throat. “Like when Sana sends Chris a wedding invite and he doesn’t know if he should respond solo or plus one.”

“Enough about other people’s business,” Sana interjects, setting down her empty cup. “What about _you_. What’s new in your life, Seokmin?”

She knows exactly what's new, Seokmin thinks darkly. Sana, however, stares at him with a doe-like stare, a vision of innocence. Soonyoung flips his phone over, motioning for Seokmin to keep talking.

“I think,” and has overthought about it, to the point of driving the people he loves to the brink of insanity, “I’m gonna ask Seungcheol to move in with me.”

They've only been officially together for two months now, but Seokmin’s apartment feels incomplete without Seungcheol. His new job is only a couple of blocks away, and they more often than not have dinner together most nights. Seungcheol even keeps overnight things with him now, so it feels like a natural next step.

When he had first told Sana, her face had gone so soft that Seokmin was genuinely worried that she would cry; he's too much of an empathetic crier to handle his best friend crying.

What she offered instead was, “Now people can get off _my_ back for moving too fast.”

He had ended the video call then and there.

Now, Soonyoung congratulates him, reaching over to pinch at his cheeks with condescending coos. It only lasts for a few minutes before he’s whining about the music again.

“I’m going to go insane waiting on Wonwoo.”

He puts his head down and groans loudly. The teens behind the bar burst into loud peals of laughter, and the music changes to soft instrumental music.

Soonyoung has finally met his match.

Just in time, Wonwoo arrives up with hands shoved in his pockets, looking a little somber as he trudges in from the cold. He's only visible from the nose up, but his posture straightens and Wonwoo visibly lights up when he sees Soonyoung.

“Ready?” Wonwoo knocks on the table in front of his ducked head, running his fingers through his hair. Soonyoung lets out a soft groan but lifts his head up to greet him.

Both Sana and Seokmin stand as Soonyoung does, walking with him and Wonwoo to the door. The wind whips down the corridor of buildings, drawing shivers from every one of them. They huddle together for a moment under a bus shelter, saying swift goodbyes as Sana waves down her taxi.

☀︎

Seungcheol meets Seokmin at street level at Exit 3 of Jonggak Station, looking comically small in his big puffy jacket.

“Hi,” Seokmin greets, reaching out to take the thermos from his hands. Seungcheol’s mouth is covered, but his eyes light up when he sees Seokmin.

The walk back to his apartment is mostly silent, both keeping a brisk pace until they get inside the building.

“You didn’t have to come meet me,” Seokmin braces his hand against the wall, unlacing his boots to tug them off, setting them to the side of the doorway. “It’s -5 out, I would’ve been fine to walk alone.”

Seungcheol scoffs, tossing his coat across the couch before padding across the floor back to Seokmin. His slippers slap against the hardwood as he moves. “I wasn’t waiting long. I timed it perfectly.”

“You’re always taking care of me,” Seokmin says, rolling his eyes before stepping around Seungcheol to the kitchen. He finally unscrews the cap of the thermos, getting a big whiff of the still hot boricha inside. “I’m not complaining, it’s just silly to wait out in the cold for me.”

“You’re just so easy to l–“ Seungcheol cuts himself off, but Seokmin can hear it. The word that comes next and what hangs in the air for both of them.

He doesn’t look up at Seungcheol but he does smile down at the counter, pouring them both a mug of tea. Seokmin doesn’t push the issue but sets a mug in his hands that he takes numbly.

“Thank you,” Seokmin says quietly, leaning down to kiss Seungcheol on his cheek, his forehead, his lips. Seungcheol’s stance relaxes, leaning up to sigh into Seokmin's mouth. His lips are cold, but his mouth is warm. Seokmin pulls back, staring down at him for a long moment.

The tangled bundle of nerves in his chest unwind, worked free. Ready to be set loose.

“I love you, too.”

☀︎

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise cameos from various 95 liners (hwasa, siyeon, jimin, shinwon, taehyung, johnny), my bestie nct mark lee, and stray kids hyunjin and bang chan.
> 
> thank you to [abigail](http://ao3.org/users/shmabs), who said “boyfriend for hire seungcheol,” to which my brain said, “YES, and,” thank you for your enthusiasm, your friendship, and these brain worms, which are now yours to feast on. love you, friend!
> 
> thank u to the usual suspects ([isabel](HTTP://ao3.org/users/archaeocyaths), [ro](HTTP://ao3.org/users/heartofashes), [rick](HTTP://ao3.org/users/lovker)) for reading this with enthusiasm and cheering me on. biggest thank you to all of my friends who held my hand through this process. i know how to write plot??? that's so wild.
> 
> i've written some words about research, context, etc. [over on dreamwidth](https://infrequencies.dreamwidth.org/9411.html) if you want to give it a read. it's about 4k words long. you've read...a lot of words already, so no worries if you don't care about my rambling and bibliography.  
> [come celebrate w me on cc](http://curiouscat.qa/infrequenced)


End file.
